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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 6-2-16: Math Lessons From The School Of Hard Knocks

A middle school teacher decided it was a good idea to give 8th grade students a quiz asking math questions involving ‘Pimps,’ ‘Ho’s’ And Drug Deals. The 10 question quiz featured such thought-provoking questions as “Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?” and “Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in his gang. There are 20 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Tyrone knocked up?” Parents were outraged, officials were not amused either. The teacher has been placed on administrative leave.

Tom Ricketts latest Wrigley Field comparison: It’s like one of those old castles you see in Europe. He complained to the Lakeview Chamber of Commerce about the restrictions being placed on their new plaza by Tom Tunney. Apparently in his latest ordinance, access to the plaza would have to be restricted to ticket holders, who could then buy any alcohol they want, provided it’s under the same restrictions as inside the ballpark. That’s pretty much the exact opposite of what the Ricketts want, since they are building the plaza to be a part of the neighborhood, not a part of the ballpark.

Awkward Media Moment: MSNBC had to shut down an interview with Libertarian vice presidential candidate Bill Weld because their fire alarm went off. This is nothing but the lamestream media trying to silence a heroic, freedom-loving Libertarian.

According to a FOIA release, it costs $206,337 every hour to fly Air Force One. President Obama has traveled overseas more than any previous President. I’m not sure what kind of frequent flyer program the Air Force Special Air Mission has, but he must be cleaning up. (The article makes the claim that it’s “ridiculously expensive,” as a matter of fact it’s the headline, but I did some research. A typical 747 can carry a max of 660 passengers. $203,000/660=$307. A $307 ticket for a 1 hour flight is a little steep, but not completely unreasonable.)

Poll Position: Hillary Clinton holds an average of 45% support while 43% back Donald Trump according to the new CNN Poll of Polls. They take five polls and mash them together.

A North Carolina woman bought a freezer from her neighbor for $30. She opened it and found a human foot inside. It turns out the neighbor killed her mother, dumped her body in the freezer and then sold it for a robust $30.

Most awesome story of the day: Arnold Schwarzenegger was chased by an elephant during a safari in South Africa.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 5-9-16: Mercury Rising

On Monday the planet Mercury will wander directly in front of the sun — a rare “transit” that only happens about 13 times a century. Most people in Europe and North America should be able to view the event through a telescope or binoculars, weather permitting. You can also catch the show live on the astronomy website Slooh.com, or via live streams from the European Space Agency and NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland. (Instructions for building a solar filter for your binoculars.)

The Chicago Police Department will be deploying 2,000 additional body cameras in seven police districts by the summer. Chicago Police currently use about 30 body cameras in one district on the Northwest Side, and complaints about police officers are way down so Eddie Johnson says it will help increase public trust. Dean Angelo still isn’t thrilled with them, basically saying that it won’t help protect officers if someone attacks them. (How about we put a “body camera” on John and broadcast it on Periscope?)

The Cook County Jail was placed on lockdown Sunday morning due to low staffing levels. The lockdown is “for officer safety,” allowing inmates to move only for medical reasons, emergencies and visitation. Hire some part-timers, folks.

Finally, you can express your disgust with all of your options in the 2016 Presidential election. A new website is selling yard signs that read “Everybody Sucks 2016.”

SNL started off with Ted Cruz vs The Church Lady, and it was amazing. She actually introduced him as “Satan.” She also talked to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

Oops: A high school in California is apologizing after they misidentified a young Muslim student wearing a hijab as “Isis”. The yearbook has already released a statement saying it was an accident but the student, who has asked that their name not be released yet, is less than convinced.

80 year old woman in Washington state shot and killed a home intruder. The man appears to have been a burglar and had already beaten her husband with a crowbar. She says she’s “not your typical granny,” which probably goes without saying.

Sharon and Ozzy Osbourn are calling it quits after 33 years of wedded bliss. If a love like that can’t last, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 5-5-16: Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For Kodos

America collectively rubbed its eyes Wednesday morning and said “What the hell just happened?” and then they immediately ran to their computers. Google searches for the Libertarian Party skyrocketed early in the morning on Wednesday.

Both George W. Bush and his father George H.W. Bush are planning to remain silent in the general election. Neither plan on endorsing presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump.

Donald Trump decided to do the “classy” thing and finally deny the whole Rafael Cruz/JFK assassination conspiracy theory. Wolf Blitzer asked him if he honestly thinks Cruz’s father was connected to the assassination. Trump said, “No I don’t.”

The Ukranian Village is one of the top neighborhoods in the country and there might be a new opportunity to move there. Two Satanists posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a new roommate. Rent would be $400 plus utilities for a 10-by-10 room. The Satanists request that those interested in the bedroom be open to raising a pig, ignoring the food dehydration business operating in their kitchen and “love Satan.” Also, no cats and no vegans.

Interesting/annoying stat of the day: Tens of thousands of Canada Geese are descending upon Chicago for the spring. It turns out that in addition to getting in peoples way, each goose also leaves behind one pound of poo every single day.

A new startup called “GetHuman” will sit through annoying customer service phone calls for you. It costs between $5-25, depending on the nature of the call.

Caitlyn Jenner is going to pose on the cover of Sports Illustrated with her gold metal from the 1976 Olympics. She says she never displayed the metal before, because she didn’t want her kids to feel like they had to win one in order to be considered a success. Oh yeah, did I mention she’ll be naked with her metal on the cover of Sports Illustrated? WHY?

A very angry person spray painted some angry messages on a Range Rover presumably belonging to their now-former significant other. The messages included “CHEATER” and “HOPE SHE WAS WORTH IT.” Oh yeah, the Range Rover was worth about $100,000. Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats…

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 3-4-16: Presidential Race Gets (Even More) Childish

It took less than ten minutes into the GOP debate tonight for Donald Trump to brag about the size of his penis. Really. That’s a thing that happened. Two days after Super Tuesday put the billionaire frontrunner on a nearly unstoppable path to his party’s nomination, Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz – now on a dual mission to deny him the 1,237 delegates needed to win – went after Trump with a vengeance that owed more to the wrestling ring than elective democracy. I need a drink.

CPS announced that all of their employees will be taking three furlough days. That should save them about $30 million. The Chicago Teachers Union says that all but assures there will be a strike on April 1st.

Chris Christie told reporters on Thursday that he was not being held hostage when he was with Donald Trump on Tuesday. He says that it was a press conference, and he was simply diligently listening to the questions and answers. Christie was not blinking a plea for help in Morse Code, either.

Meanwhile, Paul Ryan said that he “laughed out loud” when Donald Trump threatened him.

I’m sure you’ve been wondering, “What does Miley Cyrus think about the Presidential election?” Well, she posted on Instagram that Donald Trump is a “f**king nightmare” and threatened to move if he is elected President. Now you know.

President Obama says that his family will be sticking around Washington, DC after his Presidency is over. They’ll be sticking around until Sasha finishes at Washington’s Sidwell Friends School in the spring of 2019. So the next Inauguration won’t feature the obligatory shot of the former President flying off into the sunset in SAM 28000, they’ll just be going down the street.

A prison inmate in Mississippi came up with a unique way of escaping. He didn’t tunnel out of the place El Chapo-style, he stole one of the guards uniforms and just walked out the front door.

Animal Stories: A Bald Eagle made a rare appearance in Chicago, close to Midway Airport. It immediately hit a power line, was electrocuted and died. Bird not gonna be OK, Uncle Larry.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-9-16: The Seas Were Angry That Day, My Friends

Carnival Cruise Line had a rough weekend. The Anthem of the Seas sailed through hurricane-force winds and 30-foot waves off the East coast. Passengers were told to stay in their staterooms until the storm passed. It caused some cosmetic damage to the ship, knocking over furniture and four people reported injuries but none of them were serious. Passengers will receive a refund for their trouble plus half off a future cruise fare, should they decide to brave the high seas again.

The city of Chicago is failing to warn people that they might have high levels of lead in their water. The city is going a lot of work replacing water mains and meters, and according to a federal study that’s raising the level of lead in the water. But the city isn’t warning anyone that they could be in danger.

President Obama will address the Illinois State Legislature on Wednesday. The bad news is that the public will not be allowed in, only elected officials, people with credentials and invited guests.

Officials in Lincolnwood are recommending that pit bulls no longer be labeled in the village code as “vicious” based solely on their breed. Basically, they want pit bulls to be treated like every other kind of dog, which has to actually bite someone to be classified as “vicious.”

John McCain was on Fox News Channel responding to Donald Trump calling for waterboard and more torture. He was most concerned about Trump saying that he would “just classify it” if it was against the law, and asked if we want a President who would violate the law like that. He also talked about the fact that torture doesn’t usually lead to any useful information.

It turns out Scott Darling on the Blackhawks is a bit of a superhero. Apparently he helped out a random man who was down on his luck by paying for a place to stay for a whole month.

Michael Bloomberg has confirmed that he is considering a run for President as an independent. He thinks that frontrunners Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are too extreme. The deadline for a decision seems to be March, which would be around Super Tuesday, so it stands to reason that we’d have a pretty good idea who the nominees will be. Republicans hate him because of his Nanny State proclivities, Democrats hate him because he’s not a Democrat. The question is, does Joe Sweatsock hate him?

A Florida man went in the drive-thru at his local Wendy’s and threw a three-foot alligator through the window and into the restaurant. Apparently he picked the alligator up on the side of the road and took it to the restaurant. The incident happened back in October, but they just arrested him this week.

A man decided it was a good idea to rob a photobooth at an amusement park in Batavia. He apparently didn’t consider the fact that there is a camera in said photobooth and so now police have a picture to show everyone. He got away with $75 and caused another $75 in damages.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 10-22-15: Cartoonish Presidential Candidates

A pollster asked a focus group of Republican voters a bunch of questions about the GOP Presidential candidates. There were of course the boring old policy questions you would expect to see, but they also asked which cartoon character the voters thought be represented to candidates. Some of the highlights: The Hulk as Donald Trump & Stewie Griffin as Jeb Bush.

Interesting Stat of the Day: $223 million. How much Yahoo paid in the third quarter in “traffic acquisition costs,” which is when a company pays for traffic to its website. That’s up from $54 million in the same quarter last year.

Joe Biden announced that he will not run for President in 2016. He basically said there is not enough time to put together an effective campaign and his window has closed.

In technology news, YouTube is launching a streaming service on October 28 called YouTube Red meant to compete with Netflix. It eliminates ads across YouTube for a monthly fee of $9.99 and includes subscription to the Gaming app and a new YouTube app.

Plus, Scientists are already pointing radio telescopes at star KIC 8462852 looking for a signal.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 8-25-15: Stock Up On Canned Goods And Ammunition

After an unprecedented 1,000-point decline at the open on Monday, the Dow closed with a loss of nearly 600 points. Everybody is basically worried that there could be an economic slowdown in China The 588-point decline on the Dow was the worst for a single day since August 2011.

North and South Korea agreed to end the latest standoff before it escalated into an “all-out war.” Tensions had flared after the two exchanged artillery fire Thursday, but South Korea announced early Tuesday that the North said it was sorry.

In political news, first it was Donald Trump, then Deez Nuts and now it’s Bailey The Dog. Jacob and Jonathan Rubin from Long Grove here in Illinois decided to file paperwork for their Black Labrador to run for President.

In science news, on Monday, a Japanese spacecraft arrived with supplies for the International Space Station.

Plus, a recent study found that extended bouts of eye contact could trigger “dissociative symptoms, dysmorphic face perceptions, and hallucination-like strange-face apparitions.”

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 8-14-15: Home Sweet Home

Get ready to see more people sleeping on the street. The Department of Justice has ruled that if cities don’t have enough space in shelters for all of their homeless population, they can’t arrest people for sleeping on the street. They say that sleep if a life-sustaining activity, and if there is nowhere else for them to do it, the city can’t arrest them.

Interesting Stat of the Day: More than 135 million Americans, or 56%, say they haven’t taken a vacation in the last 12 months. That’s up from 126 million Americans, or 52%, who reported going without a vacation for a year in 2014.

Remember the study saying that teens are texting while driving at an alarming rate, and usually because they feel the need to respond immediately? It turns out a significant amount of that anxiousness comes because parents get upset if they don’t respond to their texts immediately.

Ancestry.com did some DNA testing and proved that President Warren G. Harding fathered a child out of wedlock with long-rumored mistress Nan Britton.

In science news, researchers at a hospital in Massachusetts have managed to use human cells to help a monkey re-grow their arm.

Plus, American City Diner in Washington, DC has decided to honor the cultural and political phenomenon that is Donald Trump by giving him his own sandwich. It has lettuce, tomato and lots and lots of bologna.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 5-22-15: World’s Worst Boss

One anonymous staffer from Carly Fiorina’s 2010 Senate campaign says that they would rather go back to Iraq than work with her again. Apparently she did not even pay a lot of people until just before she announced that she would be running for President.

Interesting stat of the day: $427,098.49. That’s Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder and former National League Most Valuable Player Andrew McCutchen’s take home pay every two weeks.

Matthew Weiner says if you were confused by the ending to Mad Men, it’s your own fault. He wasn’t trying to be vague like The Sopranos ending. Don Draper really did find his happy place at the hippie commune and go on to create the “Buy the world a Coke” ad.

In science news, a new Canadian study says that you will be happier if you bike or walk to work rather than driving. It makes you happier, and will also do a lot to get you into better shape.

Plus, a Colorado man brought a stuffed owl named “Soloman” to court to act as his lawyer.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 4-30-15: The War on Deliciousness

A Colorado mom was shocked when her 4 year old came home from school with a note complaining that her lunch was unhealthy. They were apparently upset that she brought Oreos in her lunch.

Bud Light is re-thinking their marketing strategy after one of their new slogans generated some controversy. Does “”The perfect beer for removing ‘no’ from your vocabulary for the night” sound a little creepy to you?

Just how big is YouTube? The CEO of YouTube said on Wednesday they are now reaching more people in the 18-49 year old age demographic on mobile than any TV network.

Another reason to be excited for Jurassic World, as if you needed one: The original Tyrannosaurus Rex from Jurassic Park will be back in this movie.

Plus, Vermont Socialist Bernie Sanders has announced that he will run for President. No need for Dennis Kucinich to run again, we already have our uber-leftist who can’t win.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

Follow Keith Conrad on Twitter
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