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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 3-4-16: Presidential Race Gets (Even More) Childish

It took less than ten minutes into the GOP debate tonight for Donald Trump to brag about the size of his penis. Really. That’s a thing that happened. Two days after Super Tuesday put the billionaire frontrunner on a nearly unstoppable path to his party’s nomination, Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz – now on a dual mission to deny him the 1,237 delegates needed to win – went after Trump with a vengeance that owed more to the wrestling ring than elective democracy. I need a drink.

CPS announced that all of their employees will be taking three furlough days. That should save them about $30 million. The Chicago Teachers Union says that all but assures there will be a strike on April 1st.

Chris Christie told reporters on Thursday that he was not being held hostage when he was with Donald Trump on Tuesday. He says that it was a press conference, and he was simply diligently listening to the questions and answers. Christie was not blinking a plea for help in Morse Code, either.

Meanwhile, Paul Ryan said that he “laughed out loud” when Donald Trump threatened him.

I’m sure you’ve been wondering, “What does Miley Cyrus think about the Presidential election?” Well, she posted on Instagram that Donald Trump is a “f**king nightmare” and threatened to move if he is elected President. Now you know.

President Obama says that his family will be sticking around Washington, DC after his Presidency is over. They’ll be sticking around until Sasha finishes at Washington’s Sidwell Friends School in the spring of 2019. So the next Inauguration won’t feature the obligatory shot of the former President flying off into the sunset in SAM 28000, they’ll just be going down the street.

A prison inmate in Mississippi came up with a unique way of escaping. He didn’t tunnel out of the place El Chapo-style, he stole one of the guards uniforms and just walked out the front door.

Animal Stories: A Bald Eagle made a rare appearance in Chicago, close to Midway Airport. It immediately hit a power line, was electrocuted and died. Bird not gonna be OK, Uncle Larry.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 3-2-16: Democracy Doesn’t Work

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton had big days on Super Tuesday, but it wasn’t quite the death blow they would have wanted.

Chris Christie was probably the biggest loser on Super Tuesday. He appeared with Donald Trump and looked like he was being held hostage. Naturally, Twitter responded accordingly.

The numbers just seem to keep getting worse. Chicago had 40 murders during the month of February. Chicago’s murder rate so far in 2016 is the worst in nearly two decades.

House Speaker Paul Ryan went after Donald Trump pretty hard and said the Republican presidential nominee must reject any group “built on bigotry.” He said the Republicans are the party of Lincoln and Reagan, and their nominee must understand that all people are “equal in the eyes of God and the government.” To me the most interesting thing is he sounded like an adult scolding a child for even having to comment on Trump’s antics. I always look for the adult in the room and it left me all hot and bothered wishing Ryan had been running.

Contempt level 11: An Ohio farmer spelled out “NO TRUMP” in his field in manure. 15 cows and bulls contributed to the effort.

Remember when the New Hampshire Union Leader endorsed Chris Christie for President? After he endorsed Trump, they published a retraction of their endorsement.

Good news for Ted Cruz: A judge has tossed out the lawsuit that aimed to get him kicked off of the ballot here in Illinois.

According to sources, the odds of Michael Bloomberg running for president are “very, very low — almost zero.” His decision will likely come this week or next. His campaign slogan should be “America, we need an adult.”… but not in a soothing,  authoritative tone, more like a terrified child running from a creepy old man sorta of tone. “WE NEED AN ADULT!!”

A woman in a fur coat robbed a bank in Chicago on Tuesday morning. She made a “threatening demand” but did not show a weapon of some kind. They have not released how much money she got away with. Two observations: a) Impressive costume choice, it obscures your identity and provides you with your very own criminal identity. b) It should be the policy of every bank that you demand to see the weapon before you hand over any money.

Scare (Not Quite) In The Air: Two airplanes slid off of runways at O’Hare during the snow on Tuesday. One was an American Airlines flight and the other was a corporate jet. No injuries were reported, but the incident is under investigation.

Former Red and now Yankees closer Aroldis Chapman has been hit with a 30 game suspension for domestic abuse. He probably could have gotten more, but at the very least MLB still looks a little less clueless than the NFL.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 11-19-15: America Gets A Little Jittery

Several people were yanked off of a Southwest flight at Midway for fighting over seat assignments. The passengers were described as being of “Middle Eastern decent,” they were asking people to switch seats so they could all sit together, and they were taken off because they were making their fellow passengers “uncomfortable.”

Interesting Stat of the Day: $50 million.

Paul Ryan has shot down the idea of putting a religious test on refugees from Syria. Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush wanted to only allow Christian refugees into the country.

Also, proving that stupidity is bipartisan: A mayor in Virginia, who is a Democrat is suggesting that internment camps might be the way to go. Basically, he said if it was good enough for the Japanese in WWII, it should work for fighting ISIS.

KFC and Dunkin Donuts are both toying with the idea of offering delivery service. Delivery fees will run somewhere around $5-7.

In technology news, Lyft, the RC Cola of on-demand ride sharing apps, predicts it will hit $1 billion in gross annual revenue based on its October performance.

Plus, a teacher in Poland decided it was a good idea to put a question on a physics test about pushing Syrian refugees off of a raft.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 10-23-15: Professional Cat Herding

It’s official. Paul Ryan is running for Speaker of the House. And he’ll probably get the job, now that he has the support of most House Republicans, including the conservative House Freedom Caucus.

Interesting Stat of the Day: 10 to 20 people. Number of people in Australia who are bitten annually by the funnel-web spider and must get anti-venom.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had her big day on Capitol Hill yesterday.

“Mythbusters,” the last good show on the Discovery Channel, will come to an end next year following its 14th and final season.

In science news, a group of scientists says that Earth-like planets could be late to form. That could mean that instead of lots of intelligent and more advanced civilizations out there, we might actually be the most advanced civilization out there right now.

Plus, Someone burned, decapitated and cut the feet off a smiling Ronald McDonald statue at a children’s hospital in Vermont.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 10-12-15: World’s Most Thankless Job

Kevin McCarthy pulled out of his doomed race for the Speaker of the House last week, leaving a huge vacuum in the GOP House leadership. Republicans are turning to Rep. Paul Ryan, the former vice presidential nominee who apparently does not want the thankless gig. He’s taken the weekend to spend some time with his family and decide whether he wants to give cat-herding a try.

Interesting Stat of the Day: $3. $12.2 million has been spent on TV advertising for candidates and their associated groups in the 2015 Kentucky election, which breaks down to about $3 per eligible voter.

You know all those ludicrous “sexy” Halloween costumes? Chad Horstman, CEO of Yandy.com, the site that’s come up with most of them that you see in the news. He says they are able to turn around a sexy, news-pegged costume in a mere two weeks.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un declared that he is ready for war with the United States. The trash-talking came during a parade celebrating 70 years of Communist party rule.

In technology news, starting on Friday, Facebook users we’re able to express a fuller range of emotions online with a set of new expressions and animated emojis. So you don’t have to “like” the post where your best friend says their spouse just died in a tragic blimp accident, you can shoot them a frowny face emoji.

Plus, a “psychic” convinced a woman she was cursed, and that the curse could be lifted by giving her gift cards and cash.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

Follow Keith Conrad on Twitter
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