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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 3-8-16: Rating Your Fellow Human Beings

That new app called “Peeple” has finally launched. Controversy has swirled around it since it was announced. It’s described as “Yelp for human beings,” so much like you’d leave a review on Yelp for a restaurant you just went to, you can rate your fellow human beings based on your interactions with them. Critics say it’s nothing but an outlet for cyber revenge, and people will spend all of their time getting revenge for past grievances or just pranking their friends. The creators say it’s just a way for you to get more information about the people around you, a research tool to check before you hire someone, or date them, or hire them for a date.

Rather than striking, the Chicago Teachers Union is planning a rally on April 1st that may or may not close schools. If it does, Karen Lewis is telling parents to just think of it as an “extra holiday.” That seems a little “Let them eat cake”-ish, doesn’t it?

Thousands of people have signed a petition to get the University of Illinois-Chicago to cancel Donald Trump’s rally at the school pavilion Friday. As of Monday morning, nearly 43,000 people had signed the moveon.org petition arguing the rally “has no place in Chicago but especially not at an institution of higher learning.”

Someone has created a new PAC dedicated to Donald Trump’s hand size. Trump Has Tiny Hands PAC describes themselves as “patriotic Americans devoted to educating our fellow citizens about Donald Trump’s tiny baby hands.”

Remember Ashley Lindsey, America’s sweetheart/the porn star from the Ted Cruz campaign ad? She told CNN on Monday that she supports Donald Trump for President. Ouch. Porn stars hold a grudge.

A guy running for State Rep in Chicago may or may not have been attacked with a staple gun. He says he was attacked by people putting up signs for his opponent, they say he attacked them. He definitely had a staple in his forehead. A lawyer for the accused says it’s a “false flag” operation to get some attention for his “failing campaign.” He said Zwolinski may have stapled himself in the forehead just to get attention. They are currently looking for surveillance footage, and the lawyer says it will back up their side of the story, but stapling yourself in the forehead seems like a long way to go to get some attention.

Erin Andrews was awarded $55 million in her lawsuit against the stalker who film the naked video of her, and the hotel where it happened. Her legal team was arguing the hotel shouldn’t have allowed the stalker to find out which room she was in and get the one next door. My reaction? Definitely deserved, but if you’re Erin Andrews and you’re getting a gigantic check for $55 million, do you keep working or are you done?

Michael Bloomberg announced he won’t be running for President as an Independent. He said he came to the conclusion that he could not win the race, and if he got in would only end up contributing to a Donald Trump victory.

A woman who graduated law school and couldn’t find a job is suing the law school. She claims they inflated their graduates’ employment rate and therefore deceived her into thinking she’d get a job. Who goes to school assuming it will mean they’ll be able to find a job? She should learn a trade, then she’ll find a job, right? Any college graduates going through similar frustration?

A web designer has created a Java script that mimics what it’s like to read if you are dyslexic. It’s possible to read, but it takes a lot of concentration, and of course that’s knowing what it’s supposed to look like. If all you’ve ever experienced is the jumbled up version of the text, it would be very tough to make anything out.

Speaking of reading disorders, a detour sign in Lincoln Park has “Illinois” misspelled.

Was Alcohol A Factor? Police in Roselle stopped a woman driving with a large tree embeded in the front of her car. She told police she had struck the tree, but she did not remember where.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 3-2-16: Democracy Doesn’t Work

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton had big days on Super Tuesday, but it wasn’t quite the death blow they would have wanted.

Chris Christie was probably the biggest loser on Super Tuesday. He appeared with Donald Trump and looked like he was being held hostage. Naturally, Twitter responded accordingly.

The numbers just seem to keep getting worse. Chicago had 40 murders during the month of February. Chicago’s murder rate so far in 2016 is the worst in nearly two decades.

House Speaker Paul Ryan went after Donald Trump pretty hard and said the Republican presidential nominee must reject any group “built on bigotry.” He said the Republicans are the party of Lincoln and Reagan, and their nominee must understand that all people are “equal in the eyes of God and the government.” To me the most interesting thing is he sounded like an adult scolding a child for even having to comment on Trump’s antics. I always look for the adult in the room and it left me all hot and bothered wishing Ryan had been running.

Contempt level 11: An Ohio farmer spelled out “NO TRUMP” in his field in manure. 15 cows and bulls contributed to the effort.

Remember when the New Hampshire Union Leader endorsed Chris Christie for President? After he endorsed Trump, they published a retraction of their endorsement.

Good news for Ted Cruz: A judge has tossed out the lawsuit that aimed to get him kicked off of the ballot here in Illinois.

According to sources, the odds of Michael Bloomberg running for president are “very, very low — almost zero.” His decision will likely come this week or next. His campaign slogan should be “America, we need an adult.”… but not in a soothing,  authoritative tone, more like a terrified child running from a creepy old man sorta of tone. “WE NEED AN ADULT!!”

A woman in a fur coat robbed a bank in Chicago on Tuesday morning. She made a “threatening demand” but did not show a weapon of some kind. They have not released how much money she got away with. Two observations: a) Impressive costume choice, it obscures your identity and provides you with your very own criminal identity. b) It should be the policy of every bank that you demand to see the weapon before you hand over any money.

Scare (Not Quite) In The Air: Two airplanes slid off of runways at O’Hare during the snow on Tuesday. One was an American Airlines flight and the other was a corporate jet. No injuries were reported, but the incident is under investigation.

Former Red and now Yankees closer Aroldis Chapman has been hit with a 30 game suspension for domestic abuse. He probably could have gotten more, but at the very least MLB still looks a little less clueless than the NFL.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-9-16: The Seas Were Angry That Day, My Friends

Carnival Cruise Line had a rough weekend. The Anthem of the Seas sailed through hurricane-force winds and 30-foot waves off the East coast. Passengers were told to stay in their staterooms until the storm passed. It caused some cosmetic damage to the ship, knocking over furniture and four people reported injuries but none of them were serious. Passengers will receive a refund for their trouble plus half off a future cruise fare, should they decide to brave the high seas again.

The city of Chicago is failing to warn people that they might have high levels of lead in their water. The city is going a lot of work replacing water mains and meters, and according to a federal study that’s raising the level of lead in the water. But the city isn’t warning anyone that they could be in danger.

President Obama will address the Illinois State Legislature on Wednesday. The bad news is that the public will not be allowed in, only elected officials, people with credentials and invited guests.

Officials in Lincolnwood are recommending that pit bulls no longer be labeled in the village code as “vicious” based solely on their breed. Basically, they want pit bulls to be treated like every other kind of dog, which has to actually bite someone to be classified as “vicious.”

John McCain was on Fox News Channel responding to Donald Trump calling for waterboard and more torture. He was most concerned about Trump saying that he would “just classify it” if it was against the law, and asked if we want a President who would violate the law like that. He also talked about the fact that torture doesn’t usually lead to any useful information.

It turns out Scott Darling on the Blackhawks is a bit of a superhero. Apparently he helped out a random man who was down on his luck by paying for a place to stay for a whole month.

Michael Bloomberg has confirmed that he is considering a run for President as an independent. He thinks that frontrunners Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are too extreme. The deadline for a decision seems to be March, which would be around Super Tuesday, so it stands to reason that we’d have a pretty good idea who the nominees will be. Republicans hate him because of his Nanny State proclivities, Democrats hate him because he’s not a Democrat. The question is, does Joe Sweatsock hate him?

A Florida man went in the drive-thru at his local Wendy’s and threw a three-foot alligator through the window and into the restaurant. Apparently he picked the alligator up on the side of the road and took it to the restaurant. The incident happened back in October, but they just arrested him this week.

A man decided it was a good idea to rob a photobooth at an amusement park in Batavia. He apparently didn’t consider the fact that there is a camera in said photobooth and so now police have a picture to show everyone. He got away with $75 and caused another $75 in damages.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 1-25-16: World Domination, Rule Everything… That Sorta Stuff

Video has popped up on YouTube of a very young Ted Cruz saying that he aspires to “take over the world, world domination, you know, rule everything, rich and powerful, that sort of stuff.” This was of course after he asked if “aspiration” was “like sweat on my butt?” Because he was 18. Naturally there’s no context given for the video, but it sounds very scripted to me, let it was part of a class project or something. Just to scare you a little bit about the future, it shows that this just just might be the last election in which everything the candidates have said in their entire lives hasn’t been recorded and put online somewhere.

Over the weekend Donald Trump bragged about how loyal his voters are and said that he could shoot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue in New York and wouldn’t lose any voters. Judging by what he has said in the past and managed to not lose any support, he might be right. But I’m not sure what that means for his supporters. Every day he sounds more and more like a third world dictator.

Michael Bloomberg is reportedly seriously considering an Independent run for the White House. Apparently his staffers are looking at ballot access issues to see how easy it would be to run. Considering how much Republicans dislike the guy now, it seems like that would most hurt the Democratic nominee, if anything.

President Obama told CBS News that he doesn’t wish he could run for a third term for President. He says the office should be “continually renewed by new energy and new ideas.” That’s just what someone who was secretly planning to name themselves “Dictator for Life” would say.

Chris Rock isn’t going to drop out as host of the Oscars. But he has apparently decided to re-write his jokes to reflect the recent brouhaha.

Why did the newt cross the road? To get it on… A road in the Berkeley, California hills has been shut down for newt mating season.

Apparently a man in Lansing kept a six foot alligator as a pet for 26 years without high neighbors knowing it. Authorities found out about it when an appliance repairman was down in the guy’s basement and heard something move in a covered cage and look a peek. He got it at a swap meet years ago and kept it in a cage in the basement. He fed it mostly chicken breasts, which is not the preferred diet of alligators. How freaked out would you be if you found out one of your neighbors had a man-eating beast chained up in the basement? (Also, what’s the strangest pet you’ve ever had?)

Last year someone tried to put a giant Klingon sword from Star Trek in the carry-on baggage, according to the TSA. Just for the record, you can put a giant sword in your checked baggage with no problem, since it would be out of reach and you couldn’t use it to commandeer the aircraft. But you can’t have it in your carry-on, just feet away from you.