• Home
  • Tag Archives:  Iowa

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 6-22-16: Men In Black Invade Iowa

People in one Iowa town keep reporting sightings of men in black walking beside the road. They haven’t done anything illegal at this point, but they are really freaking people out. They seem to show up only at night, and they aren’t exactly dressed like Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. They are wearing black trench coats and capes. More or less creepy than the clowns that will occasionally show up in a neighborhood?

Based on the success of the Saved By The Bell restaurant here in Chicago, you had to know more would be coming. A Golden Girls pop-up restaurant will be opening in New York. I anxiously await the opening of the Knight Rider-themed drive in. Here’s my problem with this: Saved By The Bell took place in California (Aside from the first season in Indiana, after which all of the main characters decided to move to California together… really) why is the restaurant in Chicago? Golden Girls is even worse, since they were in Miami. Shouldn’t the pop-up be in a location that is remotely tied to what happened in the show?

The whole religion thing worked out so great for Donald Trump in the primaries that he’s going to that well again. Now he’s questioning whether or not Hillary Clinton is actually religious. Because Donald Trump is the picture of religious piety.

Rory McIlroy has decided not to compete at this summer’s Olympics in Rio due to fears over the Zika virus. It’s the latest problem for the Rio Olympics. Do you think the IOC is regretting picking them? Tokyo and Chicago are probably looking pretty good now.

A 15 year old girl in Alabama decided it was a good idea to put on a Barney the Dinosaur head to prank her friends. The costume got stuck on her head and she had to call the police to get it taken off.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-26-16: Life Imitating Art

The screenwriter for the movie Idiocracy has some concerns about what he’s seeing in the news these days. He says he “never expected Idiocracy to become a documentary.” Idiocracy is about a 21st century man who is frozen and wakes up 500 years in the future to find that society has completely collapsed and the Earth is ruled by morons with short attention spans and a pro-wrestler as President.

A teen from Aurora was swept into Lake Michigan by a large wave. He apparently decided it was a good idea to walk on a jetty out in the water with waves crashing all around. As a matter of fact, there were 15 foot waves.

It was an exciting day or so, but the SCOTUS sweepstakes continues. Brian Sandoval said thanks, but no thanks to being nominated to the Supreme Court.

Donald Trump has picked up his first Congressional endorsement. It’s from Rep. Chris Collins, a Republican from New York, and a wealthy former businessman. He said that Trump “understands the importance of American exceptionalism, and has the unique qualifications to make America great again.” So there’s at least one person in Congress who isn’t a “loser.”

Joe Biden is in Mexico this week. He said he felt obligated to apologize for the immigration rhetoric coming from the GOP.

Meanwhile, former Mexican President Vicente Fox talk to Jorge Ramos and said Mexico won’t be paying for Donald Trump’s *bleeping* wall. He said Trump has enough money that if he wants a wall, he should be the one to pay for it. He also added that he does not believe a democratic society would elect someone like Trump.

A guy has created a bot that might just win the war on telemarketers. When a telemarketer calls you, you add the bot to the call and it will engage the person in just enough inane conversation to keep them busy, perhaps for hours on end.

A bill that just passed in the Iowa legislature would let kids 14 years and younger have guns. Kids could possess “a pistol, revolver or the ammunition” under parental supervision. Apparently they can already use shotguns and rifles, and this would just apply the same rules to handguns.

A second grader in Vermont wrote a story in class about helping a farmer grow “special medicine.” That led the police to investigate and it turned out the his mom’s boyfriend was growing marijuana on their property.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-1-16: The Joys Of Peeing Outdoors

The city of San Francisco renovated one of their parks and decided to add a brand new feature: An outdoor urinal so people would stop peeing on all of the buildings in the area. It just happens to be overlooking a light rail stop, and there is a playground nearby. Authorities and parents don’t seem to think having homeless people pee into an open drain in the middle of a public park will be a problem.

According to a new report, Illinois should actually be site of the first Presidential primary. They looked at five categories: race, education, age, income, and religion. Illinois was average in all of them, so if you’re looking for a good sample, it’s the best place to start. Considering the fact that Iowa is absolutely buried in Presidential politics for about a year before the caucus, would you actually want to be first?

Donald Trump called Ted Cruz a “total liar” with “no heart.” George Stephanopolous was asking him about Cruz’s claim that Trump wants single payer health car. George asked him for specifics about his health care plan, but Trump would only say that he “wants to take care of everyone.” Which once again sounds like something a third world dictator would say.

There may or may not be a deal between the CTU and CPS to avoid yet another strike. They’ll vote on Monday. Teachers would get a raise for each of the next three years, but there is some debate over pensions.

According to more than one betting website, Mitt Romney has a better shot at becoming the next President than seven of the current GOP candidates. According to the Mittster, every day people ask him to run for President. He says that even one of the current Republican candidates told him that he might be needed. For his part, he still says “no dice.”

Brace yourselves, there’s going to be some outrage this week. On Wednesday President Obama will make his first visit to a mosque in the United States. This is his first visit to a US mosque as President? This guy is the worst secret Muslim spy ever.

The CIA has released hundreds of declassified documents detailing investigations into possible alien life. Of course, they actually posted them on the CIA blog, so I wouldn’t expect too many earth-shattering revelations. In other news, apparently the CIA has a blog. There are ten files posted in all. They were all released in the 1970’s, and were all incidents that took place from the 1940’s to 1960’s. I for one welcome our new insect overlords.

Speaking of space stuff falling to Earth, more than a dozen people saw a meteorite flying through the sky on Saturday night. It burned up in the atmosphere, so it didn’t blow up like the one in Russia. But it did make for a nice light show.

A Delta Airlines flight last week had to make an unscheduled stop because two of the flight attendants got into a fist fight. They were flying from Los Angeles to Minnesota, but made an unscheduled landing in Salt Lake City. A passenger tried to break up the fight and ended up getting hit. Unfortunately, beverage service was canceled.

Winnipeg Willow a groundhog has tragically died just days before Groundhog Day. That means she won’t see her shadow, right?

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 1-26-16: Ask The Experts

A man identifying himself as an official with the Virginia Department of Transportation pranked a TV news team in DC. It started off alright, with the man talking about the efforts of the DOT in the face of the snowpocalypse, but then he mentioned his “drug dealer and prostitute were on the way and they couldn’t get it delivered.” Much like the guy who talked to CNN about “Edward Scissorhands” instead of “Edward Snowden” the news anchors just kept talking to the guy, not even listening to what he was saying. They let him get out three different references to his drug dealers and prostitutes being stuck in the snow and never identified him as a fraud. They just wrapped up the interview and kept talking about the snow. PRO TIP: If someone claiming to be from the DOT calls you *wanting* to be on the air, they aren’t really from the DOT.

Rahm Emanuel says the Red Light Cameras are here to stay, despite the fact that everyone associated with them seems to have been corrupt. At the end of the day, the technology isn’t responsible for the fact that the people who installed/run them are jerks. Plus, it generates money for the city.

Admittedly uber-left publication Mother Jones has a pretty amazing piece on Ted Cruz. People don’t just dislike the guy, the hate him with the fire of a thousand Suns. Seriously, it’s everybody who has ever met that Canadian scumbag.

End of the World Update: A religious group that once held a 24-hour prayerathon to prepare people for the end of the world has endorsed Cruz. You can’t really control who endorses you, except Cruz decided to feature the statement on his website. This same pastor also once said the Holocaust was a God-sent punishment for the Jewish people. Maybe do a Google search before you post the endorsement on your site.

Remember the University of Missouri professor who wanted some “muscle” to take care of a reporter during the outrage over their President not doing enough to stop things that may or may not have happened? Yeah, she’s been charged with 3rd degree assault.

Donald Trump sat down with Wolf Blitzer on CNN on Monday. First of all, he said that has joking with the whole “I could shoot someone” line and says “everybody knows” he was joking. He went on to say that Jeb Bush has “disgraced himself.” He also said that he’d like to see Michael Bloomberg get in the race because he would “love the competition.”

Hillary Clinton had a coughing fit during a speech in Iowa on Monday. It lasted over a minute. After Marco Rubio’s swig heard round the world, a staffer thought to have some water within arms reach. But sadly it was to no avail.

At any given moment there’s probably a drone flying over you, watching everything you’re doing. The FAA says that 300,000 people registered drones by the deadline in December. That was before Christmas, so you’d have to think that’s gone up a bit.

Niagara Falls could run dry within the next couple of years. No, it’s not some side effect of global warming or El Nino, they would intentionally stop the water so they could replace a couple of 100 year old bridges.

A Pittsburgh woman was in a bit of a sticky wicket when her furnace broke just as her husband was deploying with the National Guard. So she called a repairman, who came and fixed the furnace. They chatted while he was working, and she happened to mention her husband was deployed. She was surprised when she got the bill and he only charged her $1. He called it the “deployment discount.”

An East Chicago councilman was sworn into office behind bars. He is in custody on murder charges, but was ran unopposed in November, so he was re-elected.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 1-8-16: Big Mother Is Watching You

According to a new study, parents in the 21st century are spending most of their time following their little snowflakes around online. Is that good old fashioned parenting or being nosey?

Interesting Stat of the Day: 320,000 passwords. Time Warner Cable reported that up to 320,000 customers of the service may have had their email passwords stolen.

Donald Trump is stepping up his birther strategy against Ted Cruz. Now he’s saying he should immediately have a judge verify that he is eligible to run for President.

Ben Carson was at a school in Iowa and decided he would make a point about his own story of turning his life around, saying he was the worst kid in his school and asking who the worst kid in their school was. Before he could say “just kidding” all of the students pointed to the same kid.

In science news, the level of volcanic eruptions has reached its highest level in 300 years. Now some scientists are saying we should be worried about the Yellowstone Supervolcano blowing it’s top.

Plus, an eight year old girl from Evanston here in Illinois took on the mighty Hasboro toy empire and won.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

Follow Keith Conrad on Twitter
Subscribe to GMB on iTunes
Subscribe to GMB on TuneIn
Listen to GMB on Stitcher
GMB Podcast RSS Feed

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 6-16-15: Give Me A Viking Funeral

Americans are starting to think outside the box when it comes to what happens to them after they die. It’s not just folks having their ashes sprinkled in various place, either. People are doing everything from having ashes shot into space, having them compressed into jewels and even becoming compost to help nurture a future tree.

Interesting Stat of the Day: 14 million people. That’s the number of people the Office of Personnel Management estimates were hit by the hacking incident.

A new study suggests that teenagers are losing confidence in the American Dream.

In technology news, SpaceX has announced that they will be holding a competition to design pods for Elon Musk’s proposed Hyperloop transportation system.

In sports, the Chicago Blackhawks are once again Stanley Cup Champions in the NHL. They beat the Tampa Bay Lightning 2-0 in game six to take the series 4 games to 2.

Plus, the Iowa Supreme Court ruled Friday that people have a right to be drunk on their front porch.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

Follow Keith Conrad on Twitter
Subscribe to GMB on iTunes
Subscribe to GMB on TuneIn
Listen to GMB on Stitcher
GMB Podcast RSS Feed

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 6-10-15: The Death of Traditional Marriage

Simpsons showrunner Al Jean says Homer and Marge Simpson will be getting “legally separated” in The Simpsons’ 27th season premiere this fall. This is following up news that Sideshow Bob will kill Bart in the Treehouse of Horror episode.

Interesting stat of the day: According to a new study, if your child watches Sesame Street they are 14% less likely to be behind in school.

In science news, NASA’s Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter has found glass in a crater on Mars. It’s a type of glass known as impact glass, which is formed from the heat of a meteorite impact. Because the material that’s around when the meteorite hits can be sealed in the glass, NASA researchers believe the glass could provide a clue to possible past life on Mars.

In sports, San Francisco Giants rookie pitcher Chris Heston threw the first no-hitter of 2015. It was just the 13th Major League start for Heston.

In politics, former Senator and current GOP Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum is really setting the world on fire. Santorum held a campaign event in Iowa and drew a robust four people.

Plus, a terrorist from ISIS decided it was a good idea to take a selfie in front of ISIS headquarters. Because of that the US military was able to pinpoint the buildings location and make it go kaboom.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

Follow Keith Conrad on Twitter
Subscribe to GMB on iTunes
Subscribe to GMB on TuneIn
Listen to GMB on Stitcher
GMB Podcast RSS Feed

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 6-9-15: The Clinton Correctional Facility Redemption

The two inmates who escaped from prison in New York are still on the loose this morning. Authorities believe that there had to have been some inside help simply because their escape method was so elaborate. So they have started to question prison employees.

Interesting stat of the day: 46 cents. That’s how much a stamp is going to cost you, which is a surprise since that’s actually a drop in price.

Monday morning an Amtrak train crashed into a truck hauling 70,000 pounds of bacon. The truck was stuck on the tracks in Wilmington, just to the southwest of Chicago.

In sports, both Phil Jackson and Shaq are admitting that they deflated basketballs when they were players in the NBA. They say they did it to get a better grip on the ball, same as Tom Brady.

In politics, the G-7 summit is going on in Germany right now and as you might expect there are quite a few protesters. In addition to the usual anarchists and socialists, there was a group of six clowns protesting the gathering.

Plus, a Des Moines, Iowa man took to Twitter begging for help when he became trapped in the drive-thru line at a local Taco Bell.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

Follow Keith Conrad on Twitter
Subscribe to GMB on iTunes
Subscribe to GMB on TuneIn
Listen to GMB on Stitcher
GMB Podcast RSS Feed

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 5-5-15: Reasons For Optimism

A new study says that it doesn’t pay to be optimistic. They two groups of people try to complete tasks, one that self identified as optimistic and the other that self identified as grumpy gus’s. They found their was no correlation between how optimistic they were and how well they did on the tests.

The deadly bird flu is all over the place in Iowa. It’s led to the extermination of as many as 21 million chickens and turkeys around the country.

New data shows that sleep walking may be an inherited trait. According a new study, children were three times more likely to walk in their sleep if they had one parent who was, and seven times more likely to sleep walk if both parents had a history of it.

Melissa Rivers says that her mom Joan had 348 plastic surgeries during her life.

May the 4th closed with a rumor that the second Star Wars Anthology film will tell the story of Boba Fett.

Plus, Mark Herman the now former news director for KOLD-TV in Tucson, Arizona decided to submit his resignation on a cake. He actually had the letter printed out on a cake and delivered to his employer.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

Follow Keith Conrad on Twitter
Subscribe to GMB on iTunes
Subscribe to GMB on TuneIn
Listen to GMB on Stitcher
GMB Podcast RSS Feed