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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 5-5-16: Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For Kodos

America collectively rubbed its eyes Wednesday morning and said “What the hell just happened?” and then they immediately ran to their computers. Google searches for the Libertarian Party skyrocketed early in the morning on Wednesday.

Both George W. Bush and his father George H.W. Bush are planning to remain silent in the general election. Neither plan on endorsing presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump.

Donald Trump decided to do the “classy” thing and finally deny the whole Rafael Cruz/JFK assassination conspiracy theory. Wolf Blitzer asked him if he honestly thinks Cruz’s father was connected to the assassination. Trump said, “No I don’t.”

The Ukranian Village is one of the top neighborhoods in the country and there might be a new opportunity to move there. Two Satanists posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a new roommate. Rent would be $400 plus utilities for a 10-by-10 room. The Satanists request that those interested in the bedroom be open to raising a pig, ignoring the food dehydration business operating in their kitchen and “love Satan.” Also, no cats and no vegans.

Interesting/annoying stat of the day: Tens of thousands of Canada Geese are descending upon Chicago for the spring. It turns out that in addition to getting in peoples way, each goose also leaves behind one pound of poo every single day.

A new startup called “GetHuman” will sit through annoying customer service phone calls for you. It costs between $5-25, depending on the nature of the call.

Caitlyn Jenner is going to pose on the cover of Sports Illustrated with her gold metal from the 1976 Olympics. She says she never displayed the metal before, because she didn’t want her kids to feel like they had to win one in order to be considered a success. Oh yeah, did I mention she’ll be naked with her metal on the cover of Sports Illustrated? WHY?

A very angry person spray painted some angry messages on a Range Rover presumably belonging to their now-former significant other. The messages included “CHEATER” and “HOPE SHE WAS WORTH IT.” Oh yeah, the Range Rover was worth about $100,000. Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats…