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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 1-27-16: Life Imitating Seinfeld

Someone successfully pranked the Amy Dickinson advice column, by asking her to weigh in on the plot of a Seinfeld episode. The writer claimed to have met and befriended a sports figure, who asked out his ex-girlfriend and then asked him to help him move. That’s the exact scenario that happens when Jerry meets Keith Hernandez. “Amy” gave no indication that she recognized the story, and said simply that the person was not being a good friend.

A jury convicted John Bills on Tuesday of all charges that he took up to $2 million in bribes and gifts in return for steering tens of millions of dollars in red light camera contracts to an Arizona company. You will however still have to pay any red light camera fines you’ve racked up since the program started.

Rahm Emanuel has released his text messages from December when there were a couple of police-involved shootings, including Bettie Jones. They seem to indicate that Emanuel is kept far more up to date on the goings on of the Chicago Police than he was during the Laquan McDonald shooting.

Donald Trump decided to ask his Twitter followers if he should participate in the Fox News Channel debate. Now he’s saying he’s going to sit it out. Trump is upset because Megyn Kelly will be their, and she is so “unfair to him.” Fox News released a statement in response, saying “We learned from a secret back channel that the Ayatollah and Putin both intend to treat Donald Trump unfairly when they meet with him if he becomes president”

Someone is selling a condo in West Ridge that actually still has all of it’s original 1970’s decor and furniture. It’s like the 1970’s threw up in a three bedroom apartment. It can all be yours for the low-low price of $158,000.

Things have taken a turn for the strange(r) for the Oregon patriots at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge. A rather rotund individual wearing a Sumo wrestler outfit claiming to be Chris Christie’s older brother is challenging him to a Sumo match. The patriots are outraged with Christie, because he said it’s the government’s job to enforce the law.

Shaquille O’Neal told a group of people that he was “paid very well” to play for LSU in college. He said the statute of limitations was up, so he might as well come clean. He’s been known to joke around, but obviously that’s gotten some attention.

The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists has decided to leave the “Doomsday Clock” at three minutes to midnight. They are blaming the combined dangers of nuclear weapons and climate change for bringing us so close to doomsday.

The Italian Museum decided to cover up their naked statues when Iranian President Hassan Rouhani stopped by for a visit. They say they were being respectful to customs in Iran. Before you get too bent out of shape about it, remember that John Ashcroft ordered the naked statues at the Justice Department be covered up too.

In case your love didn’t balk at the idea of going to White Castle for Valentine’s Day, but you really want to get a divorce: Waffle House is now accepting reservations for Valentine’s Day.

A restaurant in Rome has taken a lot of heat for establishing a rule: No kids under 5 years old allowed. It’s not just the rule, it’s the justification, as stated on a sign at the door: it blames “unpleasant incidents caused by a lack of manners.” Would you be more or less likely to go to a restaurant if they had a rule like that, complete with an explanation calling the snot-nosed punks out?

Actor Abe Vigoda has died at the age of 94. He’s famous for his roles on Barney Miller, The Godfather and for late night comedians always joking about how old he was. His last words were reportedly “Betty White survives” (Not really)

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 1-19-16: Skynet Will Work For Minimum Wage

4 in 10 young people around the world believe robots could take their jobs. If you decide on a career that can be automated, can you expect that once the robots can do your job, you can still be employed? Pick a career that’s completely robot-proof.

An Alderman from the west side wants to give every police officer a taser by January of 2017. That would be about 12,500 or so. They also want to mandate release of police shooting videos within 14 days of an incident. It would cost between $8.75 million and $12.5 million.

It’s happened. Gas is under $1 per gallon in places in Michigan. As a matter of fact, at at least one gas station in Michigan, it was as low as $0.47 per gallon. I think it might be time for a Big John Howell show field trip.

Britain is debating whether to ban Donald Trump from the country because of his hate speech. There are a couple of problems: People who support Trump generally hate every other country, so it either wouldn’t impact them much anyway or it might actually make them like Trump more. Plus, what would that mean for our British friends if Trump actually wins and is banned from the country?

For the next few weeks if you look up in the sky, five planets will be lined up in a diagonal line. It will be Mercury, Venus, Saturn, Mars and Jupiter. All five bright planets will appear together in the morning sky from about January 20 to February 20. Also, the Moon will be in the area too for part of it. This is the first time that the five planets will appear in the same sky together since January 2005.

If you’re looking for something to do with your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day that’ll probably get your divorced, White Castle is now accepting reservations for Valentine’s Day.

More trouble on the roads for the Oregon Patriots. One of the militia members flipped their truck on an icy road. He was fine, but when police arrived on the scene of the accident they noticed that he was driving without a license. So Big Brother wrote him a ticket.

A Florida man says that the image of the Devil has appeared in his driveway. About a year ago, his sister and some friends put a cross in his yard when he was going through some tough times. Suddenly an image of the Devil showed up. At least it might be the Devil. Some say it’s a clown, but he’s pretty convinced it’s the Devil.

Greatest headline in history: British man named George Bush sentenced for selling monkey body parts on eBay.

“American Pie” singer Don McLean has been arrested on a misdemeanor domestic violence. In the mugshot he looks as worn down as I suspect he does when he’s finished singing “American Pie.”

Eagles guitarist Glenn Frey has died at the age of 67.  He reportedly died of complications from rheumatoid arthritis, acute ulcerative colitis, and pneumonia. That completes your celebrity trifecta: Bowie, Rickman & Frey.