• Home
  • Tag Archives:  Olympics

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 6-22-16: Men In Black Invade Iowa

People in one Iowa town keep reporting sightings of men in black walking beside the road. They haven’t done anything illegal at this point, but they are really freaking people out. They seem to show up only at night, and they aren’t exactly dressed like Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. They are wearing black trench coats and capes. More or less creepy than the clowns that will occasionally show up in a neighborhood?

Based on the success of the Saved By The Bell restaurant here in Chicago, you had to know more would be coming. A Golden Girls pop-up restaurant will be opening in New York. I anxiously await the opening of the Knight Rider-themed drive in. Here’s my problem with this: Saved By The Bell took place in California (Aside from the first season in Indiana, after which all of the main characters decided to move to California together… really) why is the restaurant in Chicago? Golden Girls is even worse, since they were in Miami. Shouldn’t the pop-up be in a location that is remotely tied to what happened in the show?

The whole religion thing worked out so great for Donald Trump in the primaries that he’s going to that well again. Now he’s questioning whether or not Hillary Clinton is actually religious. Because Donald Trump is the picture of religious piety.

Rory McIlroy has decided not to compete at this summer’s Olympics in Rio due to fears over the Zika virus. It’s the latest problem for the Rio Olympics. Do you think the IOC is regretting picking them? Tokyo and Chicago are probably looking pretty good now.

A 15 year old girl in Alabama decided it was a good idea to put on a Barney the Dinosaur head to prank her friends. The costume got stuck on her head and she had to call the police to get it taken off.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 5-5-16: Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For Kodos

America collectively rubbed its eyes Wednesday morning and said “What the hell just happened?” and then they immediately ran to their computers. Google searches for the Libertarian Party skyrocketed early in the morning on Wednesday.

Both George W. Bush and his father George H.W. Bush are planning to remain silent in the general election. Neither plan on endorsing presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump.

Donald Trump decided to do the “classy” thing and finally deny the whole Rafael Cruz/JFK assassination conspiracy theory. Wolf Blitzer asked him if he honestly thinks Cruz’s father was connected to the assassination. Trump said, “No I don’t.”

The Ukranian Village is one of the top neighborhoods in the country and there might be a new opportunity to move there. Two Satanists posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a new roommate. Rent would be $400 plus utilities for a 10-by-10 room. The Satanists request that those interested in the bedroom be open to raising a pig, ignoring the food dehydration business operating in their kitchen and “love Satan.” Also, no cats and no vegans.

Interesting/annoying stat of the day: Tens of thousands of Canada Geese are descending upon Chicago for the spring. It turns out that in addition to getting in peoples way, each goose also leaves behind one pound of poo every single day.

A new startup called “GetHuman” will sit through annoying customer service phone calls for you. It costs between $5-25, depending on the nature of the call.

Caitlyn Jenner is going to pose on the cover of Sports Illustrated with her gold metal from the 1976 Olympics. She says she never displayed the metal before, because she didn’t want her kids to feel like they had to win one in order to be considered a success. Oh yeah, did I mention she’ll be naked with her metal on the cover of Sports Illustrated? WHY?

A very angry person spray painted some angry messages on a Range Rover presumably belonging to their now-former significant other. The messages included “CHEATER” and “HOPE SHE WAS WORTH IT.” Oh yeah, the Range Rover was worth about $100,000. Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats…

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 12-7-15: Slimy Piece Of Worm Ridden Filth

Carrie Fisher had an amazing response to the parent calling for a ban on “Slave Leia.” The father was asking what he should tell his daughter if she asks why Leia is dressed like that. Fisher’s response: “Tell them that a giant slug captured me and forced me to wear that stupid outfit, and then I killed him because I didn’t like it. And then I took it off. Backstage.”

Interesting Stat of the Day: 95.7 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s the average temperature in Rio de Janeiro in August, right about the time the 2016 Olympics will be wrapping up.

Donald Trump is continuing to say that the US should target the families of terrorists. He says their wives know what is going on.

Meanwhile, Jerry Fallwell Jr is telling students at Liberty University to get concealed carry permits to prevent the next attack.

There is some good news out there: Former President Jimmy Carter says that he cancer is going.

Plus, a kindergarten teacher in North Carolina decided it was a good idea to wash a students mouth out with soap.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

Follow Keith Conrad on Twitter
Subscribe to GMB on iTunes
Subscribe to GMB on TuneIn
Listen to GMB on Stitcher
GMB Podcast RSS Feed