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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 6-21-16: Go Directly To Jail; Collect $30 Million

A Colorado man is suing the City and County of Denver and the Denver Police Department for $30 million. He was sentenced to life in prison at the age of 14 for a murder he did not commit. You have to feel bad for the guy, since you know he was saying he was innocent all along and there were people who just refused to believe him. However, that having been said I can’t not make some sarcastic comment about it, so here’s my question to you, oh reasonable Internet reader: If someone comes up to you and offers you $30 million in exchange for spending 13 years in jail, do you take that deal? You could pump some iron, get in shape, maybe do a lot of reading or even finish that novel you’ve been working on. (I swear people, it’s going to get done one day…)

The latest sensation sweeping the Internets? Dads are seeing how many Cheerios they can stack on their sleeping newborns nose. Some have managed to get as many as 20.  Unfortunately, since it’s an Internet competition, you don’t win anything, like money to pay for future therapy when your child learns what you used to do to them for your own amusement while they were too young to know what was going on. Original Cheerios seem to work better than Honey Nut Cheerios. Just FYI.

Donald Trump fired his controversial campaign manager Corey Lewandowski Monday, unleashing a major shake-up as he comes under pressure from his closest advisers — particularly his family members — to urgently reset his struggling presidential campaign. Oh yeah, he also has virtually no money to run in the general election, because instead of fundraising like a normal candidate, he just said crazy stuff on TV.

Parts of the Orlando shooter’s 911 calls that were originally redacted by the Justice Department are now available, including the moment when the shooter pledged allegiance to the Islamic State.

Speaking of Orlando, a Florida assistant state attorney has been suspended after allegedly writing controversial Facebook posts slamming the type of people in downtown Orlando and those who go to nightclubs. He posted that downtown Orlando is “a melting pot of 3rd world miscreants and ghetto thugs.” Things went (even further) downhill from there.

Sick of hearing about “Brexit”? You’re not alone, but at least it looks like our long, international nightmare will soon be over. Voters head to the polls in a couple of days and it looks like the UK will stay in the EU. It looks like there wouldn’t be a whole lot of an advantage for Britain to leave the EU, aside from the fact that a lot of Brits like the idea of giving the rest of Europe a giant middle finger.

Interesting Stat of the Day: A new study shows that astronauts who fly to and from the ISS aboard a Soyuz spacecraft and spend six months there have a threat of mortality comparable to those of U.S. infantry combatants on D-Day and New York City firefighters on 9/11.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-8-16: Rob Lowe Emerges From His Glass House To Throw Stones

Rob Lowe decided it was a good idea to take to Twitter immediately after the Super Bowl ended to criticize Cam Newton for walking out of the post-game press conference. Lowe said Newton was a bad example for kids, Twitter meanwhile said Lowe might himself be a bad example for kids since he was once famous for a rendezvous with a 16 year old.

Larycia Hawkins and Wheaton College have announced that they will be parting ways. Details of their agreement are confidential, but they took her off of administrative leave and the guy who called for her to be fired has issued an apology. So they probably worked out some sort of deal where she could go teach somewhere else. which worked out for everybody and one of the conditions was that he apologize to her.

This is going to make things interesting. Remember the explosion in the airplane in Somolia? It turns out it was a laptop that was rigged to explode in mid-air. The passengers lucked out because their flight was delayed, if it took off on time and was at cruising altitude with the cabin fully pressurized, it would be been catastrophic.

The US is apparently producing so much oil we are running out of places to store it. That would suggest gas prices will be low for a while. SUV’s for everyone!

15 cars broke through the ice on Lake Geneva over the weekend. Thankfully no one was hurt, but several of the cars were a total loss. People were parking their cars for the annual Winterfest in Lake Geneva. If your car covered by insurance if you drive it onto ice and it falls through? What brain stem decided it was a good idea to have people park on the ice to begin with?

Waterboarding is a little too pedestrian for Donald Trump. He told George Stephanopolous he wants to bring back something “tougher than waterboarding.” It will also be classier than waterboard, the device will be covered in gold leaf with the word “TRUMP” on the side.

Madeline Albright says that there’s a special place in Hell for “women who don’t help each other.” And if you’re planning on voting for Bernie Sanders, you’re not helping your sister out.

Women in Austin, Texas are being victimized by a serial foot-stomper. It happens to fast, and is so random that no one reported it, but apparently it’s been going on for weeks. So far dozens of women have been victimized and people are worried because they seem to be getting more violent.

An Alabama man was arrested for DUI… in a full clown costume. He also just happened to have a felony warrant out for his arrest. In the field of local live home entertainment, he’s a god.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 12-14-15: Christmas Is About To Throw Up On Your Apartment

It’s going to happen this week. If you’re an apartment dweller, you will probably at some point be completely blocked from getting because of a gigantic glut of holiday cheer. This is the week when nearly all of the things that people ordered on Black Friday and Cyber Monday should be arriving.

Interesting Stat of the Day: 47 percent. Percentage of Americans who are “somewhat worried” or “very worried” that they or someone in their family could be the victim of terrorism.

Speaking of terrorism, Donald Trump says that he’s a big fan of Harrison Ford and how he “stoop up for America” in the movie Air Force One. Harrison Ford is off on the press tour for Star Wars The Force Awakens and reminded Trump that it’s only a movie, he was never actually President and never actually stood up to terrorists.

A teacher in Atlanta decided it was a good idea to ask a 13- year old Muslim student if she was carrying a bomb in her backpack.

The Kickstarter hoping to bring back Mystery Science Theater 3000 wrapped its campaign, earning $5.76 million. Combining that with the $425,000 the creators say they’ve raised through other channels, the total funding for the project has passed $6 million. The creators have now pledged to shoot 14 new episodes next year.

Plus, a food truck in Portland, Oregon decided to make a big production of their grand opening. They had dancers and visitors were also given a chance to take a swing at a Donald Trump pinata.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 12-8-15: We’ll Always Have Paris

A school district in Lake Zurich here in the Chicago area is going to survey parents about whether or not they think it’s safe to let their kids go on a band trip to Paris.

Interesting Stat of the Day: 78 percent. That’s the probability that a straight woman’s first marriage will last at least 20 years.

Donald Trump is calling for “a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States.” He also by the way said that ban would apply to Muslim citizens re-entering the country.

A flight in Seattle was delayed because a passenger named their personal WI-FI network “I have three bombs.”

In science news, the Kepler telescope has been trawling the skies for planets that exist outside our own solar system, but a new survey of the data found that about 52 percent of the identified planets may have been false positives.

Plus, a Cincinnati couple has run afowl of their local government for putting a nativity scene in their front yard. Now, before you get all excited, this isn’t a War on Christmas story from Fox News. The couple decided it was a good idea to put up a zombie-themed nativity scene in their front yard.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 12-7-15: Slimy Piece Of Worm Ridden Filth

Carrie Fisher had an amazing response to the parent calling for a ban on “Slave Leia.” The father was asking what he should tell his daughter if she asks why Leia is dressed like that. Fisher’s response: “Tell them that a giant slug captured me and forced me to wear that stupid outfit, and then I killed him because I didn’t like it. And then I took it off. Backstage.”

Interesting Stat of the Day: 95.7 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s the average temperature in Rio de Janeiro in August, right about the time the 2016 Olympics will be wrapping up.

Donald Trump is continuing to say that the US should target the families of terrorists. He says their wives know what is going on.

Meanwhile, Jerry Fallwell Jr is telling students at Liberty University to get concealed carry permits to prevent the next attack.

There is some good news out there: Former President Jimmy Carter says that he cancer is going.

Plus, a kindergarten teacher in North Carolina decided it was a good idea to wash a students mouth out with soap.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 11-23-15: Please Stop Bothering Your Fellow Airline Passengers

Two Arabic-speaking men were briefly kept off a flight from Midway to Phoenix. Passengers said they were uncomfortable flying with them because they were speaking Arabic while they were waiting for their flight. Eventually Southwest employees let them on the airplane anyway, and while one of them was boarding, other passengers took it upon themselves to ask to see the contents of his carry on.

Interesting Stat of the Day: 93 percent. A study at an all-you-can-eat pizzeria found that men who dined with women ate 93 percent more pizza than men who dined with other men.

The Satanic Temple of Minneapolis is offering to help some of their fellow Twin Cities residents in need. They say they would be happy to help any Muslims made uncomfortable by the recent surge in anti-Islamic sentiment.

As if you needed another reason to be worried about our future as a species. According to a new poll 40% of millennials are OK with the government banning offensive speech.

In technology news, Washington and Beijing are making efforts to avoid a crisis in space before it happens.

Plus, a Vietnamese-Australian man is taking issue with Facebook after they’ve repeatedly blocked him from using his real name. His name? Phuc Dat Bich.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 11-20-15: Domestic Tracking System

Donald Trump talked to Yahoo in an interview that was published on Thursday. They talked a little bit about the fallout from the Paris bombings and the fight against terrorism. Yahoo brought up the idea of tracking Muslims in a database or noting their religious affiliations on identification cards, and Trump didn’t say no.

Also, CNN asked Willie Nelson if he’d smoke pot with Donald Trump.

Rand Paul got rather heated when talking about what the Paris attack could mean for privacy here in the US.

In science news, Scott Kelly may or may not have Tweeted a photo of a UFO from the International Space Station.

Plus, two men in Virginia stole a car and got a surprise, because there was an 8 year old in the back seat.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 11-19-15: America Gets A Little Jittery

Several people were yanked off of a Southwest flight at Midway for fighting over seat assignments. The passengers were described as being of “Middle Eastern decent,” they were asking people to switch seats so they could all sit together, and they were taken off because they were making their fellow passengers “uncomfortable.”

Interesting Stat of the Day: $50 million.

Paul Ryan has shot down the idea of putting a religious test on refugees from Syria. Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush wanted to only allow Christian refugees into the country.

Also, proving that stupidity is bipartisan: A mayor in Virginia, who is a Democrat is suggesting that internment camps might be the way to go. Basically, he said if it was good enough for the Japanese in WWII, it should work for fighting ISIS.

KFC and Dunkin Donuts are both toying with the idea of offering delivery service. Delivery fees will run somewhere around $5-7.

In technology news, Lyft, the RC Cola of on-demand ride sharing apps, predicts it will hit $1 billion in gross annual revenue based on its October performance.

Plus, a teacher in Poland decided it was a good idea to put a question on a physics test about pushing Syrian refugees off of a raft.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 11-16-15: Rent-a-Mom

Ronda Rousey has actually lost. That is all.

A woman in New York is renting herself out as a surrogate mom to millennials who just aren’t getting enough attention for their liking. Her name is Nina Keneally, she’s 63 years old and offers services ranging from ironing and cooking to a shoulder to cry on, all for the low-low price of $40 per hour.

Interesting Stat of the Day: $720 million. That was the amount wagered on Major League Baseball in Nevada in 2014, up 6 percent from 2013.

CBS decided to push back episodes of Supergirl and NCIS:LA because they dealt with terror attacks.

In technology news, a Google driverless car was pulled over Thursday for driving too slow. Google caps speeds for the vehicles at 25 mph.

Plus, a Boston woman will be allowed to wear a colander on her head in her drivers license photo.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 9-11-15: Military Coup D’etat

Today marks the 14th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

Interesting stat of the day: 29 percent. According to a new poll, that’s the percentage of Americans who could imagine a scenario in which they would support a U.S. military coup of the federal government.

Uber is launching a program here in Chicago to lease cars to people who want to drive for them but can’t afford a car.

Louis Farrakhan is calling for a boycott of Christmas. He says it’s a bonanza for white businesses and needs to stop.

Scientists have discovered what they have named Homo naledi, a new human ancestor in South Africa. They haven’t been able to come up with an age yet, but they say it has both primitive and modern traits.

Plus, Elon Musk was a guest on the second edition of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and may have proved he is a Bond villain.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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