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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 1-21-16: Look To The Cookie

Actress Stacey Dash was on Outnumbered on Fox News Channel and was asked about the Oscar controversy. She said the outrage and boycotts over a lack of diversity among Academy Award candidates are “ludicrous.” She said it’s a double standard, and if people are upset about that, they should also be upset about things like BET and awards that are only given to certain racial groups. Also, Black History Month has to go if we’re all going to be equal.

A Chicago man is on a one-man mission to end “Dibs” in Chicago once and for all. He’s started a Kickstarter campaign to create signs that shame people who are putting dibs on parking spots. The signs would actually say “Trump Voters for Dibs: Because F— You.”

A Cook County judge has decided to allow TV cameras in the “routine” hearings involving Jason Van Dyke. They will decide later if they are going to allow TV cameras during the trial itself.

During a speech at a Donald Trump in Tulsa on Wednesday, Sarah Palin addressed her son Track’s domestic violence arrest. She said that he and many other soldiers “come back a bit different” because of President Obama’s policies and disrespect for veterans.

Rand Paul is comparing Donald Trump to Gollum in the Lord of the Rings. You see, Gollum was looking for his precious, the ring, to amass power. Trump is the same way, saying that if you just give him all of this power, he’s so awesome that he’ll make everything better. Paul on the other hand says that he wants to give power back to the states and to the people.

A family in Ohio is being torn apart by a conflict over the inheritance from their WWII hero father. He died last September, and now the family has to decide what to do with his collection of thousands upon thousands of beer cans. He punched out Nazi’s, then opened a few cold ones and started collecting the cans for the rest of his life. The Beer Can Collectors of America… which is apparently a thing… says that the collection could be worth $2,500-5000.

Officials in Minnesota are asking people to stop flushing goldfish. Apparently they sometimes survive and end up completely invading habitats.

Right after David Bowie died, Kanye West hinted that he might do a tribute album or at least a track. The Internet has already sprung into action, with a petition calling on him to stop already picking up almost 20,000 signatures.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 1-20-16: The Crying Game

A reporter asked Donald Trump if he ever cries. Trump said that he’s “not a big crier” because he likes to “Get things done.” So apparently he hasn’t had the same feelings software update as Hillary Clinton.

Drew Peterson is asking the Illinois Supreme Court to throw out his murder conviction. Peterson is arguing he was denied a fair trial due to the use of so-called hearsay statements. He may be a scumbag, and maybe he did it, but is it really fair to make a law specifically to convict someone?

I weep for the future: According to a new poll, nearly 10% of college graduates think Judge Judy is on the Supreme Court. Clearly that was money well-spent.

Good news, Manti Te’o has a real live girlfriend now. She actually exists this time, and he’s taken pictures with her just to prove it.

Pearl Jam has announced that they’ll play two shows at Wrigley Field in August. It’s a little surprising they didn’t announce that at the Cubs convention, since Eddie Vedder has latched onto them like a barnacle. At this point they are basically having concerts at Wrigley every single day there is not a Cubs game.

Michael Bay says that he’ll be making a Transformers 5, and it will film in Chicago. Production will be later this year, and it will be released in 2017. Haven’t we all suffered enough?