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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-8-16: Rob Lowe Emerges From His Glass House To Throw Stones

Rob Lowe decided it was a good idea to take to Twitter immediately after the Super Bowl ended to criticize Cam Newton for walking out of the post-game press conference. Lowe said Newton was a bad example for kids, Twitter meanwhile said Lowe might himself be a bad example for kids since he was once famous for a rendezvous with a 16 year old.

Larycia Hawkins and Wheaton College have announced that they will be parting ways. Details of their agreement are confidential, but they took her off of administrative leave and the guy who called for her to be fired has issued an apology. So they probably worked out some sort of deal where she could go teach somewhere else. which worked out for everybody and one of the conditions was that he apologize to her.

This is going to make things interesting. Remember the explosion in the airplane in Somolia? It turns out it was a laptop that was rigged to explode in mid-air. The passengers lucked out because their flight was delayed, if it took off on time and was at cruising altitude with the cabin fully pressurized, it would be been catastrophic.

The US is apparently producing so much oil we are running out of places to store it. That would suggest gas prices will be low for a while. SUV’s for everyone!

15 cars broke through the ice on Lake Geneva over the weekend. Thankfully no one was hurt, but several of the cars were a total loss. People were parking their cars for the annual Winterfest in Lake Geneva. If your car covered by insurance if you drive it onto ice and it falls through? What brain stem decided it was a good idea to have people park on the ice to begin with?

Waterboarding is a little too pedestrian for Donald Trump. He told George Stephanopolous he wants to bring back something “tougher than waterboarding.” It will also be classier than waterboard, the device will be covered in gold leaf with the word “TRUMP” on the side.

Madeline Albright says that there’s a special place in Hell for “women who don’t help each other.” And if you’re planning on voting for Bernie Sanders, you’re not helping your sister out.

Women in Austin, Texas are being victimized by a serial foot-stomper. It happens to fast, and is so random that no one reported it, but apparently it’s been going on for weeks. So far dozens of women have been victimized and people are worried because they seem to be getting more violent.

An Alabama man was arrested for DUI… in a full clown costume. He also just happened to have a felony warrant out for his arrest. In the field of local live home entertainment, he’s a god.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-5-16: Grocery Store Lecturing

Jewel-Osco stores here in Chicago have taken to lecturing people when they don’t bring their own reusable grocery bags with them. First cashiers ask people if they brought their bags, then they ask them if they want to buy some high-quality Jewel-brand bags which just happen to be for sale nearby.

A family in Park Ridge is under a vicious onslaught from Big Government. They are being ordered by the city to tear down their children’s beloved treehouse. The city is saying that it’s not permitted, and people aren’t allowed to build such large, garish structures on their property in the prestigious hamlet of Park Ridge. The family on the other hand claims that when they were building said neighborhood menace, the city told them it was fine. Their neighbor even has a similar structure in their yard. Apparently one of their other neighbors, undoubtedly anonymously, complained about the size of the edifice.

Macy’s may have broken a lot of hearts in Chicago when they shed the Marshall Field’s name, but that doesn’t mean they want you using it. They’ve gone to court to block anyone from using Marshall Field’s or the names of any other brands they bought and decided to stop using in their villains scheme to homogenize the shopping experience in the United States.

Playboy has officially published it’s first non-nude magazine. They are confident that people will continue to turn to Playboy for the same hard-hitting investigative journalism that they’ve always provided.

Want even more proof that Bernie Sanders and Larry David are the same person? Bernie Sanders actually played a Rabbi in a romantic comedy back in 1999. The movie was called “My X-Girlfriend’s Wedding Reception.” His character’s name was Rabbi Manny Shevitz. Since he’s a socialist, I assume he didn’t get paid for it.

The push is on to get Carly Fiorina in Saturday’s Republican Presidential debate on ABC. ABC’s criteria will basically include everyone except Fiorina and Gilmore, who is apparently still running. At this point there are only 8 candidates running, it’s not like they can claim it would be two crowded.

You know how gas has been so cheap lately? President Obama is going to propose a $10/barrel surcharge on oil. They estimate it would raise the price of gasoline about $.25/gallon. The Administration wants to use the money from the surcharge to invest in mass transit, high-speed rail, self-driving cars, and other transportation approaches designed to reduce carbon emissions and congestion. It doesn’t stand a chance in Congress, so is this really any more meaningful than repealing ObamaCare for the 64th time? Also, taxing people doesn’t change behavior. Ask smokers.

End of the World Update: Scientists say a 100 foot asteroid will pass very close to the Earth on March 5th. It’s called 2013 TX68, so we’ve know about it for a couple of years. They can’t say for sure how close it will come, but they are estimating about 11,000 miles. To put that in perspective, our communications and GPS satellites in geosynchronous orbit are at 20,000 miles. So it will pass between them and the earth. The big rock is about 100 feet wide, about the same size as a basketball court. It wouldn’t end life as we know it, but it would take out a city or create one epic tsunami if it hit water.

Maurice White, the founder of the band Earth, Wind & Fire, has passed away at 74. Betty White has been placed in protective custody.