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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-15-16: Republican Presidential Race Goes Thermonuclear

Donald Trump decided to extend his war on the Bush family to George W. Bush during Satuday night’s debate. He went full Iraq War Truther, saying that Bush liked about WMD in Iraq, and proclaimed that he knew all along that they weren’t there. Dubya has about an 80% approval rating in South Carolina, so it will be interesting to see how people react to that.

Saturday’s Republican debate was a real humdinger. The biggest fireworks were between Donald Trump & Jeb Bush, Donald Trump & Ted Cruz and Ted Cruz & Marco Rubio. Charles Krauthammer said it was “thermonuclear” and the GOPers went from WWE to UFC.

Ben Carson decided it was a good idea to quote Joseph Stalin in his closing statement during Saturday’s debate. He was basically saying that society is collapsing, and this election is about turning things around. The problem is Stalin never actually said that, it’s just a meme that’s been floating around Facebook for a while.

America is finally hearing from Amy Lindsey, the adult film actress who ended up in a Ted Cruz ad. She said that people called her to say the ad was being pulled before she even know it had been released. She says that she identifies as a conservative Republican, and she would still consider supporting Ted Cruz in the Presidential election.

Rahm Emanuel is bringing back the idea of an express train between downtown and O’Hare. It would cost some public money, but they are actually looking for a private company to build and operate it. Fares would range from $25 to $35 for the roughly 20-minute journey, which is half the time it takes for the Blue Line. We’d be better off researching teleportation.

A flugelhorn player was the victim of a smash and grab in Chicago. He was at a yoga class at the time (There’s the problem). The guys horns and the case they were in are worth about $8,000.

The health ministry in Jamaica wants to raise awareness of the Zika Virus, so they’ve released a new PSA. It features a reggae song about the virus, and it’s every bit as awesome as you think.

Good news: Cuba has returned our lost dummy Hellfire missile. It was somehow accidentally shipped to Cuba in 2014, and we had been working to get it back every since.

Watch porn to save the whales! To celebrate World Whale Day on February 13, PornHub has pledged to donate 1 cent for every 2,000 videos viewed on their site between February 8 to 29. All the proceeds will go towards the non-profit cetacean conservation group The Moclips Cetological Society.

Bill Murray got mad when some people at a party in California were taking his picture and threw their phones off of the roof. He was apparently annoyed at the constant flashes from the camera phones. Murray has offered to pay to replace all of the phones, so there wasn’t be any charges filed.

UPDATE: Remember the guy who was arrested for having sex with a woman on the ferris wheel in Las Vegas? He was actually supposed to marry another woman that week. His fiance told him that she was pregnant with another man’s baby, and he went on a drunken romp throughout the city that ended up including picking up a 21 year old stranger and going on a ferris wheel ride. The fiance ended up bailing him out of jail and doesn’t seem as furious about the whole thing as one would assume.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-11-16: Skynet Just Got The Keys To Your Car

U.S. vehicle safety regulators have said the artificial intelligence system piloting a self-driving Google car could be considered the driver under federal law. So basically, if your self-driving car is in an accident, you won’t be on the hook. Google’s self-driving cars have an excellent record so far. Actually, all of their accidents have been caused by humans driving other cars. This is exactly how Skynet got started.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and former HP CEO Carly Fiorina both suspended their campaigns on Wednesday. Jim Gilmore remains.

Hillary Clinton has no idea what it means to “go viral.” She said it sounds “like some kind of disease.” In other news, Clinton also expressed confusion about why Bernie Sanders seems to be doing a better job of appealing to young voters.

Funny or Die has created the can’t-miss biography of Donald Trump. It’s called “Donald Trump’s The Art of The Deal: The Movie”, it’s an hour long and stars Johnny Depp as The Donald.

The hits keep coming for poor Jeb Bush. Bush was speaking at a rotary club in New Hampshire when the event hosts came up and kicked him off the podium.

The budget tightening continues here in Illinois. Now, in addition to being on your own when it comes to your license plate renewals,the state will also stop sending reminders about emissions testing. That’s required every other year. So you’ll have to remember that yourself. Good luck with that.

The Chicago Museum of Art has dressed up a one bedroom apartment in the city to look like Vincent Van Gogh’s bedroom. You can rent it on Airbnb for $10 a night. The listing is actually set up as if you are renting the room from Van Gough. Cutting your ear off is not required, but it is encouraged.

Someone dug up film footage of a ski-jump contest at Soldier Field from the 1930’s. The Chicago Ski Tournament was held in 1936-1938 and 1954, according to the Chicago History Museum. Ski jumpers landed on shaved ice, not snow.

An Alaska Airlines flight from Boston to San Diego was diverted to Denver after an intoxicated passenger became disruptive and threatened crew members. The pilot decided to put her down in Denver out of an “abundance of caution.”

Something to think about as Navy Pier prepares to open the new, much larger ferris wheel: A couple was arrested in Las Vegas for having sex during their ride on a 500 foot-tall ferris wheel on the strip. They told police they did not think anyone would be able to see them, but the surrounding cars got a great view and so did the security cameras in each of the cars.

If you’re heartbroken in Florida this Valentine’s Day, there’s a great new way to get out all of your feels and move on with your life.The Florida branch of Goodwill is encouraging people to donate all of the ex’s stuff on Valentine’s Day. Get rid of your emotional and physical baggage all at once.