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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 4-20-16: The Day Democracy Died

Democracy is dead. The British Science Ministry won’t be naming their new research ship “Boaty McBoatface” despite the fact it was the overwhelming choice of The People.

Joe Biden has taken a turn for the smug. He says that he’s not comfortable being the “Goofy Uncle Joe” because he’s done such an amazing job as Vice President. He also says that if he had wanted to run for President, he would have beaten everybody who is currently running.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is putting money where his hydration is, and maybe his life on the line. He’s going to drink nothing but Flint, Michigan water for the next 30 days.

John McCain may be joining Mark Kirk in skipping the Republican National Convention. He’s blaming the fact that it’s so late in the summer this year, and he says he has a campaign to fight. Is it really a party if John McCain isn’t there?

A guy in New Zealand was due to appear in court for unpaid traffic fines when he learned the judge was retiring. So he went on a Facebook rant against the judge, mocking him. What he didn’t know is the judge wasn’t retiring until *after* his case. So the judge made him read his Facebook comments aloud in front of the whole court.

A 2 year old boy in Scotland was caught by his mom drawing on her mirror in lipstick. He immediately denied it, saying “Batman did it.”

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-4-16: Jeb Bush Desperately Wants The Clap

Rand Paul and Rick Santorum knew their campaigns were done after they failed to make any impact at in Iowa. Jeb Bush may have learned his campaign was over when he gave a speech in New Hampshire on Tuesday and had to beg the audience to clap. If you watch the video in slow motion, you can almost pinpoint the moment his heart rips in half.

According to a new poll, 70% of people in the city say Chicago police officers do not treat all citizens fairly. Broken down by race, 53-percent of whites have that opinion. 85% of black and 69% of Hispanics say all citizens are not treated fairly. When asked about cover-ups and a code of silence within the police department, 64% said it was a widespread problem. 26% said it involved a handful of officers, and only three percent said it wasn’t a problem at all.

Donald Trump says that he might sue Ted Cruz for election fraud in Iowa. He’s upset because Cruz’s campaign may have been spreading rumors that Ben Carson had dropped out. Yes, I’m sure he’s very upset.

Even if he’s not elected President of the United States, Donald Trump could pick up the title of Nobel laureate. Donald Trump is among the people nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. The letter adding his name to the list cited Trump’s “vigorous peace through strength ideology, used as a threat weapon of deterrence against radical Islam, ISIS, nuclear Iran and Communist China.”

Chris Christie says he is the last candidate Hillary Clinton wants to face because “she’s been running from federal prosecutors for the last six months. He says she would be relieved that all she got was a drubbing in the debate, not a subpoena.

40,000 pounds of cheese is currently under protective police custody. It was stolen from a truck in Wisconsin two weeks ago. The truck was found at the scene of the robbery, but the cheese wasn’t. How do you steal several thousand pounds of cheese without taking the truck? Mayor McCheese is wanted for questioning.

A jury summons in Mississippi directs people to call a sex hotline instead of the courthouse. Always double check things before you send them out. It’s called “Quality Control,” people.

This sounds like something out of a sitcom, or a porno. A police officer in England stumbled upon a 50th birthday party and was mistaken for a stripper. He was on patrol, saw a door open and decided to poke his head in to investigate. The crowd went wild. Apparently they had actually ordered a stripper for later, and they thought he was just early.