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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-15-16: Republican Presidential Race Goes Thermonuclear

Donald Trump decided to extend his war on the Bush family to George W. Bush during Satuday night’s debate. He went full Iraq War Truther, saying that Bush liked about WMD in Iraq, and proclaimed that he knew all along that they weren’t there. Dubya has about an 80% approval rating in South Carolina, so it will be interesting to see how people react to that.

Saturday’s Republican debate was a real humdinger. The biggest fireworks were between Donald Trump & Jeb Bush, Donald Trump & Ted Cruz and Ted Cruz & Marco Rubio. Charles Krauthammer said it was “thermonuclear” and the GOPers went from WWE to UFC.

Ben Carson decided it was a good idea to quote Joseph Stalin in his closing statement during Saturday’s debate. He was basically saying that society is collapsing, and this election is about turning things around. The problem is Stalin never actually said that, it’s just a meme that’s been floating around Facebook for a while.

America is finally hearing from Amy Lindsey, the adult film actress who ended up in a Ted Cruz ad. She said that people called her to say the ad was being pulled before she even know it had been released. She says that she identifies as a conservative Republican, and she would still consider supporting Ted Cruz in the Presidential election.

Rahm Emanuel is bringing back the idea of an express train between downtown and O’Hare. It would cost some public money, but they are actually looking for a private company to build and operate it. Fares would range from $25 to $35 for the roughly 20-minute journey, which is half the time it takes for the Blue Line. We’d be better off researching teleportation.

A flugelhorn player was the victim of a smash and grab in Chicago. He was at a yoga class at the time (There’s the problem). The guys horns and the case they were in are worth about $8,000.

The health ministry in Jamaica wants to raise awareness of the Zika Virus, so they’ve released a new PSA. It features a reggae song about the virus, and it’s every bit as awesome as you think.

Good news: Cuba has returned our lost dummy Hellfire missile. It was somehow accidentally shipped to Cuba in 2014, and we had been working to get it back every since.

Watch porn to save the whales! To celebrate World Whale Day on February 13, PornHub has pledged to donate 1 cent for every 2,000 videos viewed on their site between February 8 to 29. All the proceeds will go towards the non-profit cetacean conservation group The Moclips Cetological Society.

Bill Murray got mad when some people at a party in California were taking his picture and threw their phones off of the roof. He was apparently annoyed at the constant flashes from the camera phones. Murray has offered to pay to replace all of the phones, so there wasn’t be any charges filed.

UPDATE: Remember the guy who was arrested for having sex with a woman on the ferris wheel in Las Vegas? He was actually supposed to marry another woman that week. His fiance told him that she was pregnant with another man’s baby, and he went on a drunken romp throughout the city that ended up including picking up a 21 year old stranger and going on a ferris wheel ride. The fiance ended up bailing him out of jail and doesn’t seem as furious about the whole thing as one would assume.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-4-16: Jeb Bush Desperately Wants The Clap

Rand Paul and Rick Santorum knew their campaigns were done after they failed to make any impact at in Iowa. Jeb Bush may have learned his campaign was over when he gave a speech in New Hampshire on Tuesday and had to beg the audience to clap. If you watch the video in slow motion, you can almost pinpoint the moment his heart rips in half.

According to a new poll, 70% of people in the city say Chicago police officers do not treat all citizens fairly. Broken down by race, 53-percent of whites have that opinion. 85% of black and 69% of Hispanics say all citizens are not treated fairly. When asked about cover-ups and a code of silence within the police department, 64% said it was a widespread problem. 26% said it involved a handful of officers, and only three percent said it wasn’t a problem at all.

Donald Trump says that he might sue Ted Cruz for election fraud in Iowa. He’s upset because Cruz’s campaign may have been spreading rumors that Ben Carson had dropped out. Yes, I’m sure he’s very upset.

Even if he’s not elected President of the United States, Donald Trump could pick up the title of Nobel laureate. Donald Trump is among the people nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. The letter adding his name to the list cited Trump’s “vigorous peace through strength ideology, used as a threat weapon of deterrence against radical Islam, ISIS, nuclear Iran and Communist China.”

Chris Christie says he is the last candidate Hillary Clinton wants to face because “she’s been running from federal prosecutors for the last six months. He says she would be relieved that all she got was a drubbing in the debate, not a subpoena.

40,000 pounds of cheese is currently under protective police custody. It was stolen from a truck in Wisconsin two weeks ago. The truck was found at the scene of the robbery, but the cheese wasn’t. How do you steal several thousand pounds of cheese without taking the truck? Mayor McCheese is wanted for questioning.

A jury summons in Mississippi directs people to call a sex hotline instead of the courthouse. Always double check things before you send them out. It’s called “Quality Control,” people.

This sounds like something out of a sitcom, or a porno. A police officer in England stumbled upon a 50th birthday party and was mistaken for a stripper. He was on patrol, saw a door open and decided to poke his head in to investigate. The crowd went wild. Apparently they had actually ordered a stripper for later, and they thought he was just early.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 11-19-15: America Gets A Little Jittery

Several people were yanked off of a Southwest flight at Midway for fighting over seat assignments. The passengers were described as being of “Middle Eastern decent,” they were asking people to switch seats so they could all sit together, and they were taken off because they were making their fellow passengers “uncomfortable.”

Interesting Stat of the Day: $50 million.

Paul Ryan has shot down the idea of putting a religious test on refugees from Syria. Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush wanted to only allow Christian refugees into the country.

Also, proving that stupidity is bipartisan: A mayor in Virginia, who is a Democrat is suggesting that internment camps might be the way to go. Basically, he said if it was good enough for the Japanese in WWII, it should work for fighting ISIS.

KFC and Dunkin Donuts are both toying with the idea of offering delivery service. Delivery fees will run somewhere around $5-7.

In technology news, Lyft, the RC Cola of on-demand ride sharing apps, predicts it will hit $1 billion in gross annual revenue based on its October performance.

Plus, a teacher in Poland decided it was a good idea to put a question on a physics test about pushing Syrian refugees off of a raft.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 11-10-15: Be Careful Who You Hitch Your Wagon Of Outrage To

The outraged Starbucks cup guy was on CNN and he pretty much ended his 15 minutes of fame. Among other things, he told the anchor that the US is a obviously a Christian nation, because President Obama had to pretend to be one to get elected.

Interesting Stat of the Day: 47 percent. “Saturday Night Live” viewership ratings for the episode hosted by Donald Trump over the weekend were the show’s highest since 2012 — and were 47 percent higher than the ratings during Hillary Clinton’s guest appearance earlier this season.

Jeb Bush was asked one of the most critical questions facing the world today: If you could go back in time, would you kill Baby Hitler? He said “Hell yeah, I would!”

SeaWorld has announced that they will be be phasing out their Killer Whale shows.

In technology news, Comcast is testing bandwidth caps on home Internet use. Because they are already so well loved. Under the scheme, customers have a monthly limit of 300 gigabytes and pay an overage fee of $10 for every additional 50 gigabytes they use.

Plus, according to a new survey, Americans over the age of 30 are more miserable than they’ve ever been.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 10-29-15: Elephant On Elephant Violence

Editor’s Note: Dave Stripling has been kind enough to fill in on the Gabatron Morning Briefing for the next few days.

Last night gave us another Republican debate with hearty exchanges from the large mass of candidates, highlighted by solid punches from Governor Chris Christie and Senator Marco Rubio, and a less than solid performance by Governor Jeb Bush. RNC Chairman Reince Priebus was displeased with the debate however, particularly in the way it was moderated.

MSNBC Pundit Rachel Maddow and her partner have purchased the former New York apartment of REM Front Man Michael Stipe. According to the real estate website Curbed. The well-appointed but modestly styled digs cost the couple $1.25 million.

The Queen song Bohemian Rhapsody may have had a hidden meaning and message. Tim Rice, who collaborated with Freddie Mercury on the album “Barcelona,” opened up to the Daily Mail about his theory that the lyrics to the seminal Queen hit allude to Mercury’s sexuality.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 10-19-15: The Geeks Shall Inherit The Earth

A third and final trailer for Star Wars The Force Awakens will debut during halftime on Monday Night Football tonight. Advanced tickets will also go on sale at about the same time. ESPN is owned by Disney, which also owns Star Wars, so you can see why they’d debut it on MNF.

Interesting Stat of the Day: $77 billion. Cost to the U.S. economy in 2010 due to hungover workers, according to the CDC.

A high school junior in Texas died during a football game. He was complaining of dizziness at halftime and collapsed later in the game. He’s the 6th high school player to die in the United States this year. Would you think twice about letting your child play football at this point?

Donald Trump and Jeb Bush’s latest war of words is over 9/11. Trump is basically saying that Jeb Bush would not be able to keep us safe as President, because 9/11 happened while his brother was President.

In science news, the European Space Agency and the Russians are going to send a robotic mission to the Moon’s south pole. The flight will launch in 2020, and spacecraft will take a look to see whether or not there is water, and other raw materials to make fuel and oxygen.

Plus, someone has created a Change.org petition that aims to change the official currency in Australia to the Dollarydoo.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 6-15-15: Just A Woman Disguised As A Woman, Playing Another Woman

Let’s start off by talking about the saga of Rachel Dolezal. She is the President of the Spokane, Washington chapter of the NAACP and it turns out she’s been posing as African-American for years. Her parents outed her, and her brother says that she warned him not to blow her new identity, so clearly she knew she was doing something wrong. She went so far as claiming that she was the target of hate crimes. How can you do something like that?

Interesting Stat of the Day: $71,827.39. That’s s the cost of the most expensive ticket for game six of the Stanley Cup finals between the Tampa Bay Lightning and Chicago Blackhawks at the United Center here in Chicago.

In politics, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush will officially enter the race for the Republican Presidential nomination in 2016.

Over the weekend Jurassic World had the biggest opening of any movie in history. Worldwide the reboot raked in $511 million, $204 million of which were here in the United States.

In Science news, the Philae lander from the European Space Agency has sprung back to life. It landed on a comet in November but was sitting a little awkwardly, couldn’t generate enough power so it went into sleep mode. They thought it was dead, but it sent a hello message over the weekend.

Plus, it’s Monday so I assume you think you’re having the worst day ever, but it can’t compare to Zrmina Padsha of Indianapolis, Indiana.

Each morning Keith Conrad will give you a few stories useful for starting conversations around the water cooler at work. Assuming that your office actually has a water cooler.

Follow Keith Conrad on Twitter
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