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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 5-4-16: May The Fourth Be With You

Trump wins Indiana. The Trumpster fire engulfs America.

Things took a turn for the insane in the Republican race before the results started coming in from Indiana. Donald Trump repeated a National Enquirer allegation that Ted Cruz’s dad was connected to Lee Harvey Oswald. Ted Cruz denied the allegations, and called Trump a pathological liar. Meanwhile, in the afternoon Jake Tapper on CNN pleaded for some kind of sanity.

The Lucas Museum may be flying off to a city far, far away. Friends of the Parks said on Tuesday they will oppose any location on the lakefront. Mellody Hobson, wife of George Lucas, said they are now “seriously pursuing locations outside of Chicago.”

Speaking of crazy ideas to bring in more tourists, a pair of businessmen have unveiled a plan to have aerial gondolas above the Chicago River.

A federal judge is refusing to get step into the fight between Uber and taxi driver, but the city has some work today. She said the differences in rules between taxi drivers and ride share companies seem “utterly arbitrary.”

Get ready for some outrage: CPS has outlined new rules allowing students access to bathrooms and locker rooms that correspond to their gender identity.

Cool or creepy? The FDA has approved new sensors in pills that would help doctors monitor how you’re doing. Interestingly, they are actually powered by energy coming from your body.

A woman was caught on tape berating a man at her local Walmart for paying with food stamps. Both the angry woman and the object of her ire were both shopping with their kids, so their profanity-laced exchange was a fantastic example for the kids.

A middle schooler in the Houston area was dragged in front of police officer who accused her of using counterfeit money to buy lunch. It turned out she was just using a $2 bill, which by the way is a real denomination, just in case you didn’t know. The school claimed they were confused, because it was an older bill and the pen they use to spot counterfeits didn’t work on it. Imagine what will happen when they start changing the money.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 4-21-16: Parenting Through Craigslist

Meet a woman who claims to be the “World’s Meanest Mom” in a Craigslist ad because she’s selling her 15-year-old daughter’s truck. That’s because the daughter was disrespectful at home, is skipping school and has bad grades. She is asking $2,750 for the V8, four-wheel drive truck with more than 158,000 miles on it, but she says she’s willing to negotiate.

A Chicago alderman wants to reward landlords who don’t pass their property tax increases onto their renters. Alderman Carlos Ramirez-Rosa wants to give a tax break to any landlords who don’t increase rents for people who are within four times the poverty level. Means testing for property taxes? What about property owners who are within four times of the poverty level?

Musical theater has officially saved Alexander Hamilton’s place of immortality on the $10 bill. The Treasury Department has announced that Harriett Tubman will replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. So Alexander’s new-found popularity forced them to ditch their original plan to replace Hamilton on the $10. This of course means that you really can’t playfully refer to dollar bills as “pictures of Presidents” anymore, since two people won’t be former Presidents. I’m not sure the Treasury Department too that into consideration.

One person not thrilled with the move? Ben Carson, who told Neil Cavuto they should leave Jackson on the $20 and put Harriett Tubman on another bill, like the $2. He says Jackson was a “tremendous” President.

A TV meteorologist in Houston threatened to kick some “behinds” if people get fired for missing work during the floods. The TV station is supporting him, which is ironic since he and his co-workers were at work during the floods.

Trump Force One has been grounded. His airplane has been flying with expired registration for two months. Who can remember to get a new sticker for your airplane’s license plate when you’re trying to make America great again?

Ever wanted to channel your inner carney? Navy Pier is looking for a few good ferris wheel workers. They have 15 openings. They are part-time seasonal positions.

If you’re looking for a job with a little more growth potential, you could join the Trump empire. An internship position is being auctioned off for charity, with the current bid at $40,000. It’s a 10 week internship. The money will go to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.

Stock up: Jimmy John’s will be offering customers $1 sandwiches on Thursday for customer appreciation day.