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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-3-16: Is It Getting A Little Drafty In Here?

The Commandant of the Marine Corps and the Army Chief of Staff are saying that women should be added to the draft, just like men. Women are supposed to be allowed in every job in the military, so it would only make sense for them to be a part of the draft anyway, right? The draft isn’t active anyway, and if it ever came to the point where we needed to reactivate it, we’d need all the help we could get.

After Donald Trump failed to win Monday’s Iowa caucus, the url loser.com was updated to redirect to Trump’s Wikipedia page.

The former prosecutor in the Bill Cosby case says that Cosby’s actually shielded from any prosecution in the case because of his decision not to prosecute him in 2005. He says that he decided not to prosecute Cosby in 2005 because there were “serious flaws” in the case, and that decision applies to all future prosecutors as well.

They’ve already released snippets of the Super ads. There are some pretty good ones, including Helen Mirren ripping drunk drivers a second corn chute and weiner dogs running towards ketchup bottles. It’s the Internet age, so you might as well get some extra plays for your money by releasing them early. There will obviously be some surprises come game night, though.

The Washington D.C. District Council voted unanimously Tuesday to approve a bill that includes a proposal to pay residents a stipend not to commit crimes. City officials would identify up to 200 people a year who are considered at risk of either committing or becoming victims of violent crime. Those people would be directed to participate in behavioral therapy and other programs. If they fulfill those obligations and stay out of trouble, they would be paid. The bill doesn’t say how much people would be paid, but it’s modeled after a program in California that pays $9,000 per year. I’ve never committed a crime, can have $9,000?

Move over Paul The Octopus, you’ve been replaced by a computer: The official Madden NFL 16 simulation has the Carolina Panthers winning 24-20. EA has accurately predicted the winning team in nine of the past 12 Super Bowls dating to 2004 that it has run the simulation. Last year, the game got the winner and the final score exactly right: Patriots over the Seahawks, 28-24.

Peyton Manning may or may not retire after the Big Game this weekend. It’s unconfirmed, but he’s reportedly told friends this will be it for him.

A man has been accused of assaulting a college police officer and a Washington State sheriff. You may be wondering why I would link to a story of at-best local Washington state interest? The man’s name is Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybop-bop-bop. Four years ago he made headlines for changing his name, and Anderson Cooper trying to explain the pronunciation is pure gold.

Awkward Media Moment: A reporter confronted a resigning Tennessee about his lavish, almost Aaron Schock-like spending. He agreed to give a recorded statement, and when she asked him about some of his spending habits, he walked off and told her “That’s exactly the kind of b***h I thought you would be.”

Good news, would be cheaters: Ashley Madison has announced plans to increase security by allowing users to wear masks in their profile pictures.