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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 3-4-16: Presidential Race Gets (Even More) Childish

It took less than ten minutes into the GOP debate tonight for Donald Trump to brag about the size of his penis. Really. That’s a thing that happened. Two days after Super Tuesday put the billionaire frontrunner on a nearly unstoppable path to his party’s nomination, Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz – now on a dual mission to deny him the 1,237 delegates needed to win – went after Trump with a vengeance that owed more to the wrestling ring than elective democracy. I need a drink.

CPS announced that all of their employees will be taking three furlough days. That should save them about $30 million. The Chicago Teachers Union says that all but assures there will be a strike on April 1st.

Chris Christie told reporters on Thursday that he was not being held hostage when he was with Donald Trump on Tuesday. He says that it was a press conference, and he was simply diligently listening to the questions and answers. Christie was not blinking a plea for help in Morse Code, either.

Meanwhile, Paul Ryan said that he “laughed out loud” when Donald Trump threatened him.

I’m sure you’ve been wondering, “What does Miley Cyrus think about the Presidential election?” Well, she posted on Instagram that Donald Trump is a “f**king nightmare” and threatened to move if he is elected President. Now you know.

President Obama says that his family will be sticking around Washington, DC after his Presidency is over. They’ll be sticking around until Sasha finishes at Washington’s Sidwell Friends School in the spring of 2019. So the next Inauguration won’t feature the obligatory shot of the former President flying off into the sunset in SAM 28000, they’ll just be going down the street.

A prison inmate in Mississippi came up with a unique way of escaping. He didn’t tunnel out of the place El Chapo-style, he stole one of the guards uniforms and just walked out the front door.

Animal Stories: A Bald Eagle made a rare appearance in Chicago, close to Midway Airport. It immediately hit a power line, was electrocuted and died. Bird not gonna be OK, Uncle Larry.

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-1-16: The Joys Of Peeing Outdoors

The city of San Francisco renovated one of their parks and decided to add a brand new feature: An outdoor urinal so people would stop peeing on all of the buildings in the area. It just happens to be overlooking a light rail stop, and there is a playground nearby. Authorities and parents don’t seem to think having homeless people pee into an open drain in the middle of a public park will be a problem.

According to a new report, Illinois should actually be site of the first Presidential primary. They looked at five categories: race, education, age, income, and religion. Illinois was average in all of them, so if you’re looking for a good sample, it’s the best place to start. Considering the fact that Iowa is absolutely buried in Presidential politics for about a year before the caucus, would you actually want to be first?

Donald Trump called Ted Cruz a “total liar” with “no heart.” George Stephanopolous was asking him about Cruz’s claim that Trump wants single payer health car. George asked him for specifics about his health care plan, but Trump would only say that he “wants to take care of everyone.” Which once again sounds like something a third world dictator would say.

There may or may not be a deal between the CTU and CPS to avoid yet another strike. They’ll vote on Monday. Teachers would get a raise for each of the next three years, but there is some debate over pensions.

According to more than one betting website, Mitt Romney has a better shot at becoming the next President than seven of the current GOP candidates. According to the Mittster, every day people ask him to run for President. He says that even one of the current Republican candidates told him that he might be needed. For his part, he still says “no dice.”

Brace yourselves, there’s going to be some outrage this week. On Wednesday President Obama will make his first visit to a mosque in the United States. This is his first visit to a US mosque as President? This guy is the worst secret Muslim spy ever.

The CIA has released hundreds of declassified documents detailing investigations into possible alien life. Of course, they actually posted them on the CIA blog, so I wouldn’t expect too many earth-shattering revelations. In other news, apparently the CIA has a blog. There are ten files posted in all. They were all released in the 1970’s, and were all incidents that took place from the 1940’s to 1960’s. I for one welcome our new insect overlords.

Speaking of space stuff falling to Earth, more than a dozen people saw a meteorite flying through the sky on Saturday night. It burned up in the atmosphere, so it didn’t blow up like the one in Russia. But it did make for a nice light show.

A Delta Airlines flight last week had to make an unscheduled stop because two of the flight attendants got into a fist fight. They were flying from Los Angeles to Minnesota, but made an unscheduled landing in Salt Lake City. A passenger tried to break up the fight and ended up getting hit. Unfortunately, beverage service was canceled.

Winnipeg Willow a groundhog has tragically died just days before Groundhog Day. That means she won’t see her shadow, right?