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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 3-2-16: Democracy Doesn’t Work

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton had big days on Super Tuesday, but it wasn’t quite the death blow they would have wanted.

Chris Christie was probably the biggest loser on Super Tuesday. He appeared with Donald Trump and looked like he was being held hostage. Naturally, Twitter responded accordingly.

The numbers just seem to keep getting worse. Chicago had 40 murders during the month of February. Chicago’s murder rate so far in 2016 is the worst in nearly two decades.

House Speaker Paul Ryan went after Donald Trump pretty hard and said the Republican presidential nominee must reject any group “built on bigotry.” He said the Republicans are the party of Lincoln and Reagan, and their nominee must understand that all people are “equal in the eyes of God and the government.” To me the most interesting thing is he sounded like an adult scolding a child for even having to comment on Trump’s antics. I always look for the adult in the room and it left me all hot and bothered wishing Ryan had been running.

Contempt level 11: An Ohio farmer spelled out “NO TRUMP” in his field in manure. 15 cows and bulls contributed to the effort.

Remember when the New Hampshire Union Leader endorsed Chris Christie for President? After he endorsed Trump, they published a retraction of their endorsement.

Good news for Ted Cruz: A judge has tossed out the lawsuit that aimed to get him kicked off of the ballot here in Illinois.

According to sources, the odds of Michael Bloomberg running for president are “very, very low — almost zero.” His decision will likely come this week or next. His campaign slogan should be “America, we need an adult.”… but not in a soothing,  authoritative tone, more like a terrified child running from a creepy old man sorta of tone. “WE NEED AN ADULT!!”

A woman in a fur coat robbed a bank in Chicago on Tuesday morning. She made a “threatening demand” but did not show a weapon of some kind. They have not released how much money she got away with. Two observations: a) Impressive costume choice, it obscures your identity and provides you with your very own criminal identity. b) It should be the policy of every bank that you demand to see the weapon before you hand over any money.

Scare (Not Quite) In The Air: Two airplanes slid off of runways at O’Hare during the snow on Tuesday. One was an American Airlines flight and the other was a corporate jet. No injuries were reported, but the incident is under investigation.

Former Red and now Yankees closer Aroldis Chapman has been hit with a 30 game suspension for domestic abuse. He probably could have gotten more, but at the very least MLB still looks a little less clueless than the NFL.