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Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-16-16: Magic Pillow Theory

Conspiracy theories are swirling around the death of Antonin Scalia. The fact that his family has asked that there not be an autopsy will pretty much ensure they continue to the end of time. One day there will be a movie with Kevin Costner talking about the Magic Pillow Theory.

Someone decided it was a good idea to fire shots at a Chicago snow plow driver on Sunday. Apparently the driver of another car didn’t think the plow driver was driving fast enough. They were probably rushing home to put “dibs” on their parking spot.

Speaking of shootings, the Illinois State Police have announced they’ll be patrolling the expressways in response to the increase in shootings lately. In addition to adding more patrols, the state police will utilize aircraft, video cameras, covert vehicles, and undercover officers starting this week. The effort is called Chicago Expressway Anti-violence Surge (CEASe).

In a press conference on Monday, Donald Trump said that he would sue Ted Cruz if he doesn’t apologize for dishonest things Cruz has said about him. While doing so, he said that Cruz is an “unstable person”, who “lies more than anyone every” and said “He doesn’t have the right to serve as President.” He seemed to be suggesting he would be suing about Cruz’s citizenship though, not any libelous statements.

Also, just to make things interesting. Donald Trump said that the GOP is in default on their loyalty pledge, so he could run third party if he wants. He was pointing to the people booing him at the debate on Saturday night. He said all of the people who booed him were wealthy donors and special interests who bought their way in. So he’s not being treated fairly and can take his ball and go home. I’m sure a shirtless Putin is currently shaking in his boots.

The RAND Corporation has identified the one question that can determine whether or not a voter is a Donald Trump supporter: “People like me don’t have any say about what the government does.” If they agree with it, they’re probably a Trump supporter. What do they mean “people like me”? Space geeks?

Hookers for Hillary have kicked off their official campaign for the 2016 election. They supported Ron Paul in 2008 and 2012. Could that be the reason Rand Paul had a problem gaining some traction?

A woman walked into a barber shop in San Diego and threatened one of the barbers with a gun because she was unhappy with her haircut. The thing is, when she came back and threatened the guy, she actually had a different haircut than when she left the store hours later.

USA Today has released their projections for the upcoming baseball season. They project that both the Cubs and the White Sox will win their respective divisions. They also just happen to have the Cubs winning 101 games.

A Disney cruise ship plucked 12 Cuban migrants from the middle of the ocean. The ship was on the way to the Cayman Islands, where they’ll now be dropping off their new friends. Do they have to pay extra for that excursion?

Gabatron Morning Briefing – 2-15-16: Republican Presidential Race Goes Thermonuclear

Donald Trump decided to extend his war on the Bush family to George W. Bush during Satuday night’s debate. He went full Iraq War Truther, saying that Bush liked about WMD in Iraq, and proclaimed that he knew all along that they weren’t there. Dubya has about an 80% approval rating in South Carolina, so it will be interesting to see how people react to that.

Saturday’s Republican debate was a real humdinger. The biggest fireworks were between Donald Trump & Jeb Bush, Donald Trump & Ted Cruz and Ted Cruz & Marco Rubio. Charles Krauthammer said it was “thermonuclear” and the GOPers went from WWE to UFC.

Ben Carson decided it was a good idea to quote Joseph Stalin in his closing statement during Saturday’s debate. He was basically saying that society is collapsing, and this election is about turning things around. The problem is Stalin never actually said that, it’s just a meme that’s been floating around Facebook for a while.

America is finally hearing from Amy Lindsey, the adult film actress who ended up in a Ted Cruz ad. She said that people called her to say the ad was being pulled before she even know it had been released. She says that she identifies as a conservative Republican, and she would still consider supporting Ted Cruz in the Presidential election.

Rahm Emanuel is bringing back the idea of an express train between downtown and O’Hare. It would cost some public money, but they are actually looking for a private company to build and operate it. Fares would range from $25 to $35 for the roughly 20-minute journey, which is half the time it takes for the Blue Line. We’d be better off researching teleportation.

A flugelhorn player was the victim of a smash and grab in Chicago. He was at a yoga class at the time (There’s the problem). The guys horns and the case they were in are worth about $8,000.

The health ministry in Jamaica wants to raise awareness of the Zika Virus, so they’ve released a new PSA. It features a reggae song about the virus, and it’s every bit as awesome as you think.

Good news: Cuba has returned our lost dummy Hellfire missile. It was somehow accidentally shipped to Cuba in 2014, and we had been working to get it back every since.

Watch porn to save the whales! To celebrate World Whale Day on February 13, PornHub has pledged to donate 1 cent for every 2,000 videos viewed on their site between February 8 to 29. All the proceeds will go towards the non-profit cetacean conservation group The Moclips Cetological Society.

Bill Murray got mad when some people at a party in California were taking his picture and threw their phones off of the roof. He was apparently annoyed at the constant flashes from the camera phones. Murray has offered to pay to replace all of the phones, so there wasn’t be any charges filed.

UPDATE: Remember the guy who was arrested for having sex with a woman on the ferris wheel in Las Vegas? He was actually supposed to marry another woman that week. His fiance told him that she was pregnant with another man’s baby, and he went on a drunken romp throughout the city that ended up including picking up a 21 year old stranger and going on a ferris wheel ride. The fiance ended up bailing him out of jail and doesn’t seem as furious about the whole thing as one would assume.